Reeta Luthra (Paradox of Reality) » Stress

3 Powerful Ways to Reduce Anger & Cultivate Forgiveness

Reeta Luthra — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 18:14:51 +0000

A client described a sore spot in her soul; the result of the way someone treated her. She’s found that anger makes the pain easier to bear – although she admits that this is probably not the best strategy in the world!

Sore spots worry me – I worry that sore spots in our soul create trouble further on down the line with regards to our health and well-being.

Last week, my Dad observed that our natural state is Peace. He says the evidence for this lies between the moment after we first wake up and the moment before our thoughts start reminding us of disturbances from the people and events around us.

These disturbances affect our state of mind and distort our ability to prevent them from morphing into “sore spots in the soul”. One way to develop a stronger resistance to disurbance is through cultivating an attitude of forgiveness.

Now in case you’re about to run a mile, I’m not suggesting that you throw away your worldly goods and go around blessing your enemies (although can you imagine their reaction if you did!).

I’m defining forgiveness as the ability to stop disturbance finding a home in your soul.

Developing the following habits helps cultivate this ability:

Reconcile Your Mind Chatter (”Noise”)

Forgiveness lives in your body under all the “noise”. You get to it through a psychological process of self-reconciliation.

Although forgiveness is divine, there’s not much divinity going on inside us when we are hurting. We can’t pretend we don’t mind when actually we do mind deeply. We weren’t the ones that asked for such betrayal or behaved so insensitively, so why in the world should it be up to us to undo the damage that was caused? Don’t our feelings count? Where’s the justice?

The Process of forgiveness (it is a process, not simply a single thought or act) needs us to see what is hurting inside us. Perhaps re-evaluate our values. It asks us to re-examine our priorities – but in this there is a danger that our views might change. That we’ll be letting the other person “win”. And they don’t deserve to win because they wronged us! There is a danger that we might actually feel forgiveness, and if that happens, how can we have what we really want – proof that we matter?

These conflicts can be brutal and the “noise” gives the illusion they are unchangeable. Perhaps this is why some people hold on to anger, turning a normal short-term reaction into something long-term and insidious.

Being open to questioning your own attitudes, thoughts and reactions helps create a mindset that grows to challenge this internal conflict.

Refuse to Blame

Nurturing anger and blame is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Anger and blame keeps us reliving the experience so we stay attached to pain and the hurt. It clouds our vision and perpetually reminds us that we have reason to be this unhappy. We get used to being in emotional pain. It turns us into martyrs.

When you find yourself blaming someone else, try consciously refusing to finish that sentence or thought. Let it remain unformed and with practice, your mind will move onto other things. It’s not about denial. It’s about not torturing yourself.

Remember that refusing to blame is not the same as accepting what happened. When you refuse to blame, you give your own wisdom a chance to help you.

It’s only when we stop filling our mind with blame and accusations that we can make space for new thoughts to enter. Forgiveness and self-reconciliation need this space in your head to flourish.

Ask Yourself: Who will you be afterwards?

Forgiving someone changes the way you see them. It also changes you.

Fear of the “consequences” of forgiveness can make us hesitant to forgive.

“People will disapprove”
“I’ll lose face by taking the first step”
“It’ll be like how it was before”

The fears provide an opportunity to examine your reaction. For example, if you think you’ll lose face, is there a history of let-downs with this person? Is there actually a different event that you need to forgive before you can forgive them for this one?

The process you go through in order to reconcile the fears changes your self perception. A part of you strengthens. Some things no longer matter while others become more important. You change in the perception of others. One person thinks your decision to forgive is crazy while someone else thinks you’re “well cool”. How much will you be influenced by (and directed by) other people in this matter? How comfortable are you in the role of someone who has forgiven?

Sometimes you can only forgive in private, silently and secretly because the other person is not a physical part of your life anymore. Nobody knows what pain you were in nor the relief you feel now. It’s a big transition – who are you now that you’re not feeling the pain?

Forgiveness is perceived as something you have to do for the other person. I think it’s something you do for yourself.

You know that you have forgiven when you feel the peace in your body, when your language does not contain blame and when you no longer bring up the incident in future arguments.

These are just three mindsets that help cultivate the ability to stop disturbance finding a home in your soul. Do you have any others? To put the question another way, what obstacles do you find standing in the way of forgiveness?

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Photo credit: ngould
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IBS, Incontinence and a Bad Marriage

Reeta Luthra — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 22:50:57 +0000

This post has been moved to Reeta Luthra’s site about Stress and Your Health. You can find the post here.

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Personalities of Anger: 5 Ways to Lose the Plot

Reeta Luthra — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 14:35:32 +0000

Anger can serve a purpose when it motivates you to find a solution to solve a problem.

But people often feel that they have no control over their anger and that it is just a part of their personality.

Anger is an expression of inner conflict and when someone becomes used to allowing this conflict to be expressed in a certain way, this is what gives the illusion of anger being an intrinsic part of personal identity. Allowing anger to bubble and fester limits your options.

1) The Barker
He’s known for barking orders at subordinates, waiters and shop assistants. For added power, he may use public sarcasm to humiliate. Fear of losing their job makes his unfortunate targets putty in his hands.

The Limitation: Short-term service but long-term disloyalty and behind the scenes ridicule.

2) The Blamer
He points a finger at everyone else for everything wrong in his life. A pro at playing the victim and waiting for others to come crawling for forgiveness. Judge, Jury & Executioner, he plays on the inherent desire of people to do right by others.

The Limitation: Continually waiting for others to provide the solution fuels the belief that life is hard and everyone is a fool. It causes a blindness to recognise help and an inability to assume any personal responsibility.

3) The Slow Burn
He has submitted to his fate. The level of his anger is so intense that it has all but destroyed his ability to feel it. He doesn’t have an opinion or preference and goes along with what everyone else suggests. It puts him in the background where he doesn’t have to share too much of himself and can be left to his own devices.

The Limitation: This anger explodes with absolutely no warning. The explosion can be felt for miles.

4) The Forest Fire
Generally sociable and engaging, he shields himself from everyday stress, perhaps by using food, alcohol or drugs to provide a distance. Without this coping mechanism, he flares up in short but powerful bursts of disproportionate rage.

The Limitation: Feelings of helplessness over the future create internal panic. Unable to manage stress, there may be a problem in maintaining lasting relationships.

5) The Force
He knows exactly what he wants and will do what he can to get it. Sometimes there is actual or implied violence in his methods. He exudes authority and power and uses fear and force to manipulate and control others.

The Limitation: Complete self-absorption results in an inability to accept the validity of others and the fluid nature of reality.

Can you think of other ways anger shows itself? Add them below.

For help with stress and anger management, please contact Reeta Luthra: http://www.paradoxofreality.com

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The Credit Crunch, Worries and Your Well-being

Reeta Luthra — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 10:02:46 +0000

On airlines, in their safety demos, they tell you that in an emergency, your priority is to make sure that your own safety equipment is working properly. This is great advice for your daily life too – It’s practical and effective because when you are in good shape internally, you become more in control externally.

The recent spate of shocks in the banking sector came only a week or two after the Chancellor of the Exchequer indicated he expects the recession to hit harder than expected. The effects of the credit crunch, housing market, oil, petrol and food prices become more tangible and the Office for National Statistics reports a downturn in retail sales volumes.

There seems to be a lot to worry about and I have begun to see the effect of these worries in my clients.

Financial worries have an insidious reach that extends into anger, shame, blame and fear. This can lead to breakdowns in communication. Communication issues cause havoc in relationships and this generates more stress. It becomes a relentless cycle of demands and stress.

It becomes useful to remember that message about your priority from the airlines. In everyday life, your safety equipment includes your mind, your energy and a focused clarity on your goal.

When you have these strong and in place, you can turn worries to your advantage by allowing them to get you thinking about different ways of doing things.

Stress is your body’s way of communicating with you and by taking the time to listen and address your worries one by one, you can gain new perspectives. The current economic climate is one where a new perspective will help in a big way.

Financial worries tend to be flavoured with a sense of helplessness and doom around the consequences of potential loss. We feel isolated and burdened and obligations lie heavy.

No matter how severe these worries are, they exist for one reason only – and that is to tell you that something needs to change. What exactly needs to change depends on your individual situation and could range from a physical activity such as getting a new job to a more emotionally orientated change that allows you approach situations with calmness and confidence.

However, change involves action. And change during a stressful crisis is most effective when it is accompanied by creative thinking that spurs favourable action.

One of my favourite jokes puts another angle on it.

John O’Shea, a devoutly religious man, was worried about how to provide for his family who he loved intensely. He asked God to provide him with enough money to see them through the hard times. “If only I could win the lottery this week, I would be so happy and could give my family all they wanted.”

The weeks went by and each week there was no lottery win for him. Each week, his pleas to God became more fervent and each week God listened to him.

One day, John was walking to work and began his usual daily heart-wrenching pleas to God to give him a lottery win.

Suddenly the skies grew dark, the clouds hung low and a booming voice came down from the heavens.

“John,” God said. “I have heard your pleas and I want to help you. But please John, help me out and actually buy a lottery ticket will you.”

It’s not enough to just sit and think about what is worrying you – you need to follow it with focused action.

One way to start addressing financial difficulties is to lay proper foundations and get a complete picture of how things stand. If you haven’t already, start by doing your accounts. A simple account of your income/expenditure will give you a clear black and white picture of how you stand.

You can then analyse your expenditure and recession-proof yourself as much as possible. In his blog, Nadeen Azam offers a list of ways to help you. http://www.froggybank.co.uk/news/101-tips-to-survive-the-credit-crunch/

For help with your credit crunch worries and safety equipment (mind, energy and focus), please contact me. Or post your tips and suggestions below.

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