A client described a sore spot in her soul; the result of the way someone treated her. She’s found that anger makes the pain easier to bear – although she admits that this is probably not the best strategy in the world!

Sore spots worry me – I worry that sore spots in our soul create trouble further on down the line with regards to our health and well-being.

Last week, my Dad observed that our natural state is Peace. He says the evidence for this lies between the moment after we first wake up and the moment before our thoughts start reminding us of disturbances from the people and events around us.

These disturbances  affect our state of mind and distort our ability to prevent them from morphing into “sore spots in the soul”.  One way to develop a stronger resistance to disurbance is through cultivating an attitude of forgiveness.

Now in case you’re about to run a mile, I’m not suggesting that you throw away your worldly goods and go around blessing your enemies (although can you imagine their reaction if you did!).

I’m defining forgiveness as the ability to stop disturbance finding a home in your soul.

Developing the following habits helps cultivate this ability:

Reconcile Your Mind Chatter (”Noise”)

Forgiveness lives in your body under all the “noise”. You get to it through a psychological process of self-reconciliation.

Although forgiveness is divine, there’s not much divinity going on inside us when we are hurting. We can’t pretend we don’t mind when actually we do mind deeply. We weren’t the ones that asked for such betrayal or behaved so insensitively, so why in the world should it be up to us to undo the damage that was caused? Don’t our feelings count? Where’s the justice?

The Process of forgiveness (it is a process, not simply a single thought or act) needs us to see what is hurting inside us. Perhaps re-evaluate our values. It asks us to re-examine our priorities – but in this there is a danger that our views might change. That we’ll be letting the other person “win”. And they don’t deserve to win because they wronged us! There is a danger that we might actually feel forgiveness, and if that happens, how can we have what we really want – proof that we matter?

These conflicts can be brutal and the “noise” gives the illusion they are unchangeable. Perhaps this is why some people hold on to anger, turning a normal short-term reaction into something long-term and insidious.

Being open to questioning your own attitudes, thoughts and reactions helps create a mindset that grows to challenge this internal conflict.

Refuse to Blame

Nurturing anger and blame is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Anger and blame keeps us reliving the experience so we stay attached to pain and the hurt. It clouds our vision and perpetually reminds us that we have reason to be this unhappy. We get used to being in emotional pain. It turns us into martyrs.

When you find yourself blaming someone else, try consciously refusing to finish that sentence or thought. Let it remain unformed and with practice, your mind will move onto other things. It’s not about denial. It’s about not torturing yourself.

Remember that refusing to blame is not the same as accepting what happened. When you refuse to blame, you give your own wisdom a chance to help you.

It’s only when we stop filling our mind with blame and accusations that we can make space for new thoughts to enter. Forgiveness and self-reconciliation need this space in your head to flourish.

Ask Yourself: Who will you be afterwards?

Forgiving someone changes the way you see them. It also changes you.

Fear of the “consequences” of forgiveness can make us hesitant to forgive.

• “People will disapprove”
• “I’ll lose face by taking the first step”
• “It’ll be like how it was before”

The fears provide an opportunity to examine your reaction. For example, if you think you’ll lose face, is there a history of let-downs with this person? Is there actually a different event that you need to forgive before you can forgive them for this one?

The process you go through in order to reconcile the fears changes your self perception. A part of you strengthens. Some things no longer matter while others become more important. You change in the perception of others. One person thinks your decision to forgive is crazy while someone else thinks you’re “well cool”.  How much will you be influenced by (and directed by) other people in this matter? How comfortable are you in the role of someone who has forgiven?

Sometimes you can only forgive in private, silently and secretly because the other person is not a physical part of your life anymore. Nobody knows what pain you were in nor the relief you feel now. It’s a big transition – who are you now that you’re not feeling the pain?

Forgiveness is perceived as something you have to do for the other person. I think it’s something you do for yourself.

You know that you have forgiven when you feel the peace in your body, when your language does not contain blame and when you no longer bring up the incident in future arguments.

These are just three mindsets that help cultivate the ability to stop disturbance finding a home in your soul. Do you have any others? To put the question another way, what obstacles do you find standing in the way of forgiveness?

Related article at ReetaLuthra.com: Forgiving Your Way to Personal Development and Better Health

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Photo credit: ngould
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This post has been moved to Reeta Luthra’s site about Stress and Your Health. You can find the post here.

Anger can serve a purpose when it motivates you to find a solution to solve a problem. 

But people often feel that they have no control over their anger and that it is just a part of their personality.

Anger is an expression of inner conflict and when someone becomes used to allowing this conflict to be expressed in a certain way, this is what gives the illusion of anger being an intrinsic part of personal identity. Allowing anger to bubble and fester limits your options.   

1)  The Barker
He’s known for barking orders at subordinates, waiters and shop assistants. For added power, he may use public sarcasm to humiliate. Fear of losing their job makes his unfortunate targets putty in his hands. 

The Limitation: Short-term service but long-term disloyalty and behind the scenes ridicule.

2)  The Blamer
He points a finger at everyone else for everything wrong in his life. A pro at playing the victim and waiting for others to come crawling for forgiveness. Judge, Jury & Executioner, he plays on the inherent desire of people to do right by others. 

The Limitation: Continually waiting for others to provide the solution fuels the belief that life is hard and everyone is a fool. It causes a blindness to recognise help and an inability to assume any personal responsibility.

3)  The Slow Burn
He has submitted to his fate. The level of his anger is so intense that it has all but destroyed his ability to feel it. He doesn’t have an opinion or preference and goes along with what everyone else suggests.  It puts him in the background where he doesn’t have to share too much of himself and can be left to his own devices. 

The Limitation: This anger explodes with absolutely no warning. The explosion can be felt for miles.

4)  The Forest Fire
Generally sociable and engaging, he shields himself from everyday stress, perhaps by using food, alcohol or drugs to provide a distance. Without this coping mechanism, he flares up in short but powerful bursts of disproportionate rage. 

The Limitation: Feelings of helplessness over the future create internal panic. Unable to manage stress, there may be a problem in maintaining lasting relationships.

5)  The Force
He knows exactly what he wants and will do what he can to get it. Sometimes there is actual or implied violence in his methods. He exudes authority and power and uses fear and force to manipulate and control others. 

The Limitation: Complete self-absorption results in an inability to accept the validity of others and the fluid nature of reality.

Can you think of other ways anger shows itself? Add them below.

For help with stress and anger management, please contact Reeta Luthra: http://www.paradoxofreality.com