When I started http://reetaluthra.com in November 2009, my intention was to keep Paradox of Reality as an outlet for general information about Personal Development and the new site for issues relating to Stress and Your Health.

However I have discovered that everything I write about Personal Development slots in perfectly over on ReetaLuthra.com. That’s why this site hasn’t been updated in such a long time.

Important Information for RSS & Email subscribers

Since the Paradox of Reality feed still has a lot of subscribers, I’m changing the RSS source of Paradox of Reality so that from Saturday 1st May, it will be sending you content from my blog at ReetaLuthra.com

This is purely intended for your convenience and will not change what you signed up for. It is still me writing the content and it’s still about personal development.

However I would urge you to unsubscribe from Paradox of Reality (do it now if you have a subscription) and resubscribe using one of the options listed below.

This will help to keep your own records straight and also means that when Paradox of Reality site is eventually used for something else, you won’t suddenly be surprised by content you weren’t expecting.

ReetaLuthra.com Subscribe Options:

Get Updates in your RSS feedreader

Get Updates delivered by E-mail

Get Updates through NetworkedBlogs on Facebook

Subscribe to the Stress and Your Health newsletter

If you don’t currently have a subscription, give it a go! Unsubscribe easily if you don’t like it – I NEVER send spam or pass your details to anyone.

If you have any questions, please do feel free to get in touch.

I’m looking forward to re-connecting with you soon!

~

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Following the enormous success of last year’s first ever Tapping World Summit, Nicolas Ortner, the producer of the EFT Documentary film Try It On Everything has organised another one for this year!

Last years event had over 81,000 people in attendance!

I’ve just received the details of this event. Regular readers will know that I”m an EFT advocate and a supporter of the work that Nick and his team do – so I’m very pleased to share the details with you.

EFT

In case you don’t know what tapping is, it’s a technique that combines ancient Chinese acupressure and modern psychology to give startling results.

Also known as EFT, I use it with my clients on a daily basis and I’m not alone. It’s used and recommended by leading household names such as Jack Canfield, Joe Vitale, Cheryl Richardson, Deepok Chopra, Dr. Joseph Mercola and many others.

The best way for me to explain how effective it is for you to take a look at the video on the page below.

In the middle of the video you’ll see a clip from the documentary film “The Tapping Solution.”

Check out the video here:

==> http://www.tryitoneverything.com/cmd.php?Clk=3517772

What will you get from the Tapping World Summit?

If you’re looking to create prosperity, clarity, energy focus, better physical and emotional health and much, much more than you need to register for this free online event:

This event features some of the top EFT / Tapping practitioners in the world such as Carol Look, Patricia Carrington, Brad Yates, Bob Doyle, Carol Tuttle…in fact, there will be over 18 instructors in all with over 20 presentations…

Just take a look here at what you will experience, at no charge to you:

==> http://www.tryitoneverything.com/cmd.php?Clk=3517772

You can listen to all of the presentations or just a few of them, you get to pick the topics that interest you.

When you register you’ll also get immediate access to three powerful interviews with Jack Canfield and Joe Vitale who you may recognize from the hit movie ”The Secret” and Bruce Lipton, the author of “The Biology of Belief.”

Plus you’ll get two more audios introducing you to the 2010 Tapping World Summit that will teach you the basics of Tapping so you can immediately start to implement this powerful technique.

This entire event is filled with amazing speakers, topics and information. It’s a one of a kind event that you won’t find anywhere else.

P.S. – Remember, this event is brought to you at no charge…

P.P.S. – You don’t have to travel or book a room anywhere… you get to experience the entire event from the comfort of your own home.

==> http://www.tryitoneverything.com/cmd.php?Clk=3517772

( In the interest of full disclosure, I want to say that the links in this message are affiliate links. I greatly admire the work of Nick Ortner and his partners and would recommend them even if they hadn’t provided the affiliation. I rarely add referrals to my pages so when I do, please be assured that they are to people and products that I trust)

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Have you ever decided to do something only to find later that it’s not working out?

If so, then it’s not necessarily your ultimate goal that’s the problem. It could just be that you need to stop how you’re doing it and try something else.

There are three things to remember about goals & achievement:

1. Defining what you want is not just a “nice to have”. It’s essential.
2. Your personal values help plan the route you take.
3. There’s more than one way to skin a cat.

Knowing what you want means you don’t get stuck with what you don’t want

Some people have asked me why I no longer have a facebook account.

In an earlier post I mentioned that I had outlined some personal and business social media objectives (or goals). Because I had done this to quite a level of detail, I was able to evaluate how the various social outlets I’m subscribed to were working in my favour.

Now’s a good time to point out the difference between goals and tactics. I had goals to achieve through using social media. But the way I go about it and the methods I use are tactics.

What I discovered with facebook is that it tries to be all things to everyone. For me, it’s doing so at the expense of  what I want. Facebook puts it’s emphasis on “opt-out” of it’s various social elements. I prefer giving others, and being given the choice myself to opt in.

Can you think of a time where you didn’t define what you wanted from a situation and ended up wasting weeks, months, even years caught up in something you later realised wasn’t suitable?

Your personal values tell you whether or not a route is right for you

My “friends” on facebook include actual family & friends, colleagues, online friends, networkers and business contacts. And as facebook tries to be all things to everyone, therein lies the problem.

• My family & friends don’t want my business news.
• I don’t want my colleagues, business contacts and random strangers to click and dig their way into profiles of my family.
• I don’t like networkers spamming my family & friends with “friend requests”.
• I don’t like being tagged in photos.
• Unlike twitter where short is sweet, the facebook version of snippety, bite-sized friendship leaves a hole.

Facebook offers customisable privacy levels but they’re limited in scope. And I’ve grown tired of spending my spare time customising facebook privacy every time they implement a change.

The nicest and most satisfying way to reach your goal is by travelling on a road that fits with your personal values and aspirations. Facebook brushes the wrong way against many of my personal values.

What could you change to make one of your goals more pleasant to reach?

There’s more than one way to skin a cat

Just because you started in a particular direction, doesn’t mean you have to follow it religiously. Remember the difference between goals and tactics?

If there’s no commitment, promise or obligation on a certain path, then you can meet your goal in a way that feels more in tune with yourself.

If you do have commitments, it’s a good idea to track and understand if there’s a deeper source of discomfort. It’s an important question because throwing off one commitment because you’re too tired means it will probably come up again in a different form.

A lot of people find themselves in a seemingly never-ending situation because they had entered it without knowing what they wanted from it. That’s why defining your goals is so important. For a long time, I hated the word “goal” – it was too corporate mumbo-jumbo for me. But you don’t have to call it a goal. It’s something that you want and you can call this anything that does it justice.

As soon as you define what it is that you want – either on your own or with a personal coach – you suddenly discover that you do have options.

A different way of doing things exists in almost every situation. Your natural flexibility and curiosity will help you find it.

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This is a list of some of the most read articles on Paradox of Reality during 2009 (based on number of page views).

Whether you’re new to this blog or a long-time reader, thank you for your continued support and also for your emails and comments, both here and on twitter.

There are some improvements to this site coming your way throughout 2010 – stay tuned for them.

Later on, I’ll be officially asking for your suggestions on the things you’d like me to cover. However, if you have any suggestions now, you’re more than welcome to get in touch.

So, on to the list:

• When an NLP technique is not enough – A student’s imagination is often captured by the flamboyant techniques within NLP.  But because the strength of NLP comes through it’s principles and the thought processes it teaches, there is a need to consider the whole picture before applying a technique. Applying an NLP technique without understanding the cause can mean that the issue gets temporarily buried rather than fully resolved.

• Seven Ways Role Models Influence Your Success - Just as water moulds it way into rock, the people we encounter leave their mark on the bedrock of our world too. As you think of areas in your life that have been influenced or shaped by others, it can seem as if the enriching encounters happen more by luck and good fortune. When luck is an attitude, you control the influences entering your life.

• Setting Goals the NLP Way -  You can give your New Year Resolutions a helping hand with this thought process. This PECSAW model is a streamlined version of the Well-Formed Outcomes model of NLP and was taught to me where I studied NLP. It’s a set of guidelines that help goals become do-able.

• Four Reasons You Procrastinate – Where there are goals, there is procrastination! But when we address the stubborn forms of procrastination through what the blocks mean to us, we have the opportunity of not only achieving the task, but achieving it with enjoyment.

• Three Ways to Reduce Anger & Cultivate Forgiveness – When disturbances from people and situations around us affect our state of mind, they distort our perspective. Anger becomes a disturbance-triggered reaction and often, it becomes a way of making pain easier to bear.  One way to develop a stronger resistance to external disturbances is through cultivating an attitude of forgiveness.

• A “muscle test” For Your Subconscious Mind – It is said that our subconscious mind holds the memory of every single experience we have ever had. This exercise is designed to help and train you to get into “the zone” to access this information. A benefit is that it gives you the potential to understand your motives a lot better than you already do.

• The Double Edged Sword of Help – Two questions: 1) When does helping someone become self-serving or controlling? 2) When does asking for help become making someone else responsible for your happiness?

Finally, there’s ReetaLuthra.com is Live! If you haven’t visited this yet, it’s a new hub for my therapy and coaching practice, it focuses on matters concerning Stress and Your Health and has it’s own blog. It’ll be great to see you there.

That’s 2009 wrapped and onwards to a greater 2010.

Wishing you a 2010 full of 365 days of amazing opportunities and great health.

Happy New Year!

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This is a cross post from http://reetaluthra.com/blog/

Gary Craig, the founder of EFT, has announced that he will be retiring on 15th January 2010. A post on his blog explains his reasons which are health related.

One impact of Gary’s retirement is that he will be shutting down his website - http://www.emofree.com – which has developed into an enormous resource of information and articles.

Although much of this will continue to be available to those who know how to hunt for it on the Internet Archive Wayback Machine, what it does mean for you is that 2 of his most valuable resources will cease to be available in one month unless of course he manages to think of a way to continue providing them. These resources are:

The EFT Training Manual: This is a booklet that outlines the EFT method and provides a good introduction to EFT for beginners. You can download the manual here.

The EFT Training DVD’s: This collection of 11 sets provides complete training that progressively takes you from beginner status to advanced mastery of EFT. They’re one of the most important assets in any practitioners EFT library and if you haven’t purchased them, now is the time.

Gary has made an enormous contribution to self-help, personal development and helping individuals become more in-tune with the messages of their own bodies. He has been an inspiration to me on many levels and I wish him the absolute best for his continuing recovery and future projects that he embarks upon.

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Paradox of Reality has changed!

As you may already know, I help you address the internalised stress that underlies your health problems.

This is a huge subject that needs its own dedicated area to do it justice – so I have developed a new hub for my therapy & coaching practice.

http://reetaluthra.com is now live.

This new website provides information about stress and its impact on your health. When up to 90% of visits to the doctor have stress as an underlying cause, it’s prudent to take care of the internalised stress that may be affecting you today. The site has its own blog and newsletter which you are more than welcome to subscribe to.

If you are subscribed to the Paradox of Reality newsletter or site feed, you’ll need to resubscribe at the new site if you are interested in receiving information more directly related to stress and health. Because it’s a separate site, I cannot transfer your subscriptions.

Paradox of Reality will continue to focus on the general aspects around personal development and Better Thinking, Better Success.

Regular readers will notice as some health related articles are moved onto the new site to keep things relevant. Don’t worry, this will NOT affect your bookmarks as moved content will be replaced by redirects or alternative links.

Please feel free to get in touch if you have any questions! I  look forward to engaging with you in the future – on here, on http://reetaluthra.com or on twitter.

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Sometimes we do things that turn out to be a bit odd and not what we’d intended.

An idea seems absolutely terrific in our own head but then when we work to give it a shape in the outside world, we get quite defensive when people suggest the idea needs tweaking.

Government is an easy target for examples of odd implementation. Nevertheless, one example I came across today deserves a mention.

Dubai launched its first Metro a couple of months ago to tackle the enormous problem of traffic congestion in the city.

It’s not fully built yet but there are a number of stations in full operation around the city, including one at the new Emirates airport terminal. So it seems logical to assume that people will use the Metro to transport themselves and their luggage to and from the airport (as is normal practice in other cities around the world).

However, the Dubai metro allows each passenger just one item of hand-luggage of a certain size. This means that a lot of people who are flying in or out from the airport will not be allowed to use the Metro for the land part of their travel requirements.

Peyman Parham, director of marketing and corporate communication, RTA, told Emirates Business:

“If just a few people come and ask us for more baggage allowance, we will not consider it. But if tens of thousands said they would use the Metro if they are allowed to carry heavy luggage we would consider it.”

Quite bizarre.

But is it bizarre when we think about how precious our own ideas are to us? It can become easy to become so immersed in what we are doing that we forget to consider who we are doing it for and what impact it is having on them. We end up cutting off our nose to spite our face.

The next time someone challenges something you have done, what a great opportunity to use this information you are being given to further sculpt and refine what you are doing. Even if you don’t change a thing, you’ll be richer for having considered not only the suggestion but also what’s really driving you.

People make suggestions because they care. It lets you know they are not indifferent.

What do you think?

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John Gray is coming to London!

John Gray PhD, author of more than 16 best-selling books with over 40 million copies sold worldwide, including the relationship classic, ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’, is coming to the UK on November 17th 2009 to introduce his latest work ‘Why Mars & Venus Collide’ .

The one off event, “An Evening with John Gray”, will be hosted by Great Expectations at the Hotel Ibis in Earls Court, London.

To book your tickets with a special 10% discount for readers of Paradox of Reality, click here.

An Evening With John Gray: Why Mars & Venus Collide is a definitive manual to help men and women thrive together in the 21st century and will show you how you can use everyday pressures to build greater intimacy with your loved ones and strengthen your relationships to make them last.

Stress & Relationships

The evening, which starts at 6.30 pm will begin by looking at how the pressures of our modern lifestyles are putting added stress on our relationships and making it harder and harder for them to work out long term.

John will go on to discuss how men and women deal with stress in different ways and how their different needs often lead to misunderstandings, miscommunication and resentment — in short, why Mars and Venus collide.  Bringing Mars and Venus into the 21st century, John Gray explores the different ways men and women approach their problems and offers a clear, easy-to-understand programme to bridge the gap.

Says John, “We need to challenge our assumptions about how men & women should be and begin to appreciate in practical terms who we are, what we can offer each other, and how we can team up to solve the new problems we face today.”  Working together, “We can create a new blueprint for male and female roles that can bring us closer together harmoniously.”

At this special event you will learn…

• How the pressures of our modern lifestyles are putting added stress on our relationships
• Why it is getting harder and harder to make relationships work long term
• How men and women deal with stress in different ways
• How our different needs often lead to misunderstandings, miscommunication and resentment — in short, why Mars and Venus collide
• How men and women approach their problems and what to do to avoid and solve relationship problems

Bringing Mars and Venus into the 21st century, John Gray will explore the different ways men and women approach their problems and offer a clear, easy-to-understand programme to bridge the gap.

Meet John Gray
VIP ticket holders will join John Gray at a champagne reception after the seminar and receive an autographed copy of John’s latest book.

Get a special 10% discount
By using the link below you can get a special 10% discount on ticket prices.
This is a time limited offer. Book your tickets now.

For more information and to book your tickets with the special 10% discount available to readers of Paradox of Reality, visit http://www.greatexpectations.info/gray/specialdiscount.php?param2= 1368_Reeta_Pindoria

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Two things you should know. First, I’m fascinated by Feng Shui. Second, I HATE to cook. I always said that my ideal house would be one that had no kitchen.

No, this article is not about how I used Feng Shui to make me cook. I would never deliberately torture myself in that way.

In my teens, I studied Feng Shui and decided to use it to get myself a nice Range Rover. I really, truly, with all my heart wanted this Range Rover. I found out which part of the house needed to be “addressed” for this and set up the appropriate bait. (magazine cut-outs of Range Rovers). Then I sat back and waited.

Nothing happened. No dream car materialised. Ahh… Never mind, no harm done, it was just an experiment anyway.

Then last year, I went abroad over Dec 08 and Jan 09. Returning in February, I was so sad to find my one and only beloved houseplant was nearly dead. I had left it by mistake in a darkened room and it had received no sunlight or water for two months. It had shed it’s leaves and branches dropped off when I touched it.  I wanted to rescue this plant so I dragged it to the sunniest room in the house, which happened to be the kitchen. I gave it lots of water and a bit of talk therapy (Thank you Prince Charles).

A bit after that, I noticed I was spending more time in the kitchen and enjoying it!! It’s so bizarre – it’s almost like Reeta the anti-cook went to bed one night and Reeta the super-cook got out of bed the next morning. I say “super-cook” because it turns out that I can actually cook (my Mum will confirm). Most amazingly, I even do something that I never thought I would do in my lifetime – make sauces and freeze them!

Today, I see cooking as a normal activity and I can’t imagine how I hated it for so long.

Now I don’t know if this is just another superstition that I imposed on myself somehow or if I was lucky enough to inadvertantly kick-start some Feng Shui magic. Makes sense if you think about how a kitchen is the heart of a house and my sick plant received nourishment there. Perhaps I added to the plants recovery through adding more nourishment to the air through cooking and it returned the nourishment to me by allowing me enjoy doing something so fundamentally beneficial.

Or perhaps Feng Shui has absolutely nothing to do with it.

A more likely explanation is that I returned from my trip all refreshed and happy, got properly shocked by the state of the poor plant because I do genuinely have a soft spot for it, put it somewhere to give it nourishment and had a lightbulb moment regarding the relationship between nourishment and cooking and health. I don’t know.

What I do know is that changes in behaviour can happen very quickly and very dramatically when the conditions are right.

I don’t think we need to wait for fate to grant us a magic moment. We can create this ourselves through conscious effort by taking ownership of what we want to change.

Once you’ve identified a behaviour you want to change, start by fully understanding the ways you are self-sabotaging your efforts in changing this behaviour. This self-sabotage represents the things you value and to change a behaviour with integrity, you must honour your values.

Setting the right conditions in our minds provides the thoughts and hence the behaviours that make achievement and success possible.

PS: If anyone has a spare Range Rover, I’m providing the conditions by way of a contact form on this site for you to get in touch

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Back in 1997 or so, I registered my first domain name for the bargain price of just under £90.

My new friends from across the pond (when they’d finished laughing) told me where I could buy a domain for a lot less. I listened attentively, acutely aware that I had messed up.

I clicked through to their recommendation and breathed a sigh of relief. This site was absolute rubbish!!!! It looked put together by a circus clown who was no doubt preparing to run off with all the registration money.

Joyously, I went back to my original registrar and basked in the glory of his professional, tidy and sedate website before putting down a couple more £90’s for a couple more domains.

In my circle of friends, I was the first to go online, the first to break the pain barrier of learning HTML and the workings of the internet. I was a pioneer wasn’t I? I should be getting recognition for this, not criticism.

My sensitivity to an alternate viewpoint helped me stay doggedly assured that I had paid a fair price. So when I went to look at the cheaper site, my mind-set was already set to sabotage any rational decision-making. I was looking for faults. I was on the hunt for an excuse that would let me justify the price I had paid . The cosmetic ugliness assaulting my eyes was enough justification and I never really gave the content a chance.

I recognised this same pattern in a client who came to see me last year. He was in desperate need and kept telling me I was “his last chance”. But at every session I could see him looking for reasons to leave. He was critical of the process, making payment and of me.

Although his issue was significantly more troublesome than an expensive domain, the similarities were there.

• The problem: He was ill. I had an expensive domain.
• The goal: He’d been told coaching would make the pain go away. I’d been told I could get a cheaper domain.
• The sensitivity: He wanted recognition for surviving his life thus far. I wanted recognition for learning about the internet.
• The result: He held on to the expensive behaviours that he’d “earned” through pain. Same as me.

From time to time, we all make decisions that don’t really help our cause. That’s not a problem because that’s just human nature.

Continuing to stick to a course of action when you have recognised a poor decision is a problem.

You don’t have to go backwards trying to find the same fork in the road to re-do that decision. As soon as you recognise a poor decision, evaluate your opportunities/choices/options as they stand right now (not back then) and change course starting from today.

In case you’re wondering, I was wiser by the time renewal time came round and found 123-reg.co.uk for my domain registrations.

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Photo credit: sue r b
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Emotional well-being gives you backup when things get difficult. You let old niggles go, you fester less, have better perspective and you start making stronger decisions.

Long-term exposure to dark emotions like stress, anger and resentment can make us ill, so doing something little every day that helps chip away at these feelings is as important as eating and sleeping.

As a reader of Paradox of Reality, I’d love to know what you do and their pros and cons. Do some methods work better than others? Please leave a comment below.

(poll now closed)

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One of the basics of better thinking is to acknowledge where your thoughts could be better.

If you’ve read any decent self development books, you know you’re supposed to turn these areas into goals to achieve – notice what happens to your thoughts as you read the following statements:

• My goal is to be a confident public speaker
• I want to start my own business
• I’m scared of sweating, freezing up and making a fool of myself
• I’m dreading being in this dead-end job forever

Chances are that you found the first two statements uplifting and the others less inspiring.

The idea of having positive goals is that they put an attractive vision of yourself inside your head, making it seem achievable so you can work towards it.  The concept is sound and is an important part of the “Better Thinking, Better Success” model.

But identifying a goal doesn’t mean that you’ll automatically believe you can do it.

When you find yourself unable to move past the problem towards the goal you want, it’s because “mind clutter” is preventing you from consistently believing in this positive goal. This is what tells you that you need to redefine the area where your thoughts could be better. Mind clutter is often at odds with your goal.

Continuing the example of confidence, some possible mind clutter could be:

• It’s not polite… because Mum/Dad/Teacher said it’s showing off.
• I don’t know enough to be taken seriously… Is this really true? Could you prepare? Is there more mind clutter underneath this thought?
• My friends won’t like me if I change… Are you afraid you won’t be able to accept a more confident you?
• It’s not me. I’m not meant to be the center of attention… because I had buck teeth when I was young and everyone laughed.

Dig into your thoughts about why you can’t believe in your goal and you’ll unearth the real blocks in your mind. Writing/journaling is an effective way to do this.

It takes courage and persistance to dig in this way – some thoughts are poignant, some silly and others still have sharp thorns. If you don’t acknowledge them, they’ll continue affecting you, perhaps limiting your opportunities, in subconscious ways. Acknowledging them means you can start working to dull their impact on your life.

This is something I started to do myself some years ago. I found that my “sticky thinking”, stress or fears often had some musty-dusty mind clutter hiding underneath. Identifying this mind clutter let me understand the specific areas that were keeping the problem alive.

Better Thinking. Better Success.

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Photo credit: saivann
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A client described a sore spot in her soul; the result of the way someone treated her. She’s found that anger makes the pain easier to bear – although she admits that this is probably not the best strategy in the world!

Sore spots worry me – I worry that sore spots in our soul create trouble further on down the line with regards to our health and well-being.

Last week, my Dad observed that our natural state is Peace. He says the evidence for this lies between the moment after we first wake up and the moment before our thoughts start reminding us of disturbances from the people and events around us.

These disturbances  affect our state of mind and distort our ability to prevent them from morphing into “sore spots in the soul”.  One way to develop a stronger resistance to disurbance is through cultivating an attitude of forgiveness.

Now in case you’re about to run a mile, I’m not suggesting that you throw away your worldly goods and go around blessing your enemies (although can you imagine their reaction if you did!).

I’m defining forgiveness as the ability to stop disturbance finding a home in your soul.

Developing the following habits helps cultivate this ability:

Reconcile Your Mind Chatter (”Noise”)

Forgiveness lives in your body under all the “noise”. You get to it through a psychological process of self-reconciliation.

Although forgiveness is divine, there’s not much divinity going on inside us when we are hurting. We can’t pretend we don’t mind when actually we do mind deeply. We weren’t the ones that asked for such betrayal or behaved so insensitively, so why in the world should it be up to us to undo the damage that was caused? Don’t our feelings count? Where’s the justice?

The Process of forgiveness (it is a process, not simply a single thought or act) needs us to see what is hurting inside us. Perhaps re-evaluate our values. It asks us to re-examine our priorities – but in this there is a danger that our views might change. That we’ll be letting the other person “win”. And they don’t deserve to win because they wronged us! There is a danger that we might actually feel forgiveness, and if that happens, how can we have what we really want – proof that we matter?

These conflicts can be brutal and the “noise” gives the illusion they are unchangeable. Perhaps this is why some people hold on to anger, turning a normal short-term reaction into something long-term and insidious.

Being open to questioning your own attitudes, thoughts and reactions helps create a mindset that grows to challenge this internal conflict.

Refuse to Blame

Nurturing anger and blame is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

Anger and blame keeps us reliving the experience so we stay attached to pain and the hurt. It clouds our vision and perpetually reminds us that we have reason to be this unhappy. We get used to being in emotional pain. It turns us into martyrs.

When you find yourself blaming someone else, try consciously refusing to finish that sentence or thought. Let it remain unformed and with practice, your mind will move onto other things. It’s not about denial. It’s about not torturing yourself.

Remember that refusing to blame is not the same as accepting what happened. When you refuse to blame, you give your own wisdom a chance to help you.

It’s only when we stop filling our mind with blame and accusations that we can make space for new thoughts to enter. Forgiveness and self-reconciliation need this space in your head to flourish.

Ask Yourself: Who will you be afterwards?

Forgiving someone changes the way you see them. It also changes you.

Fear of the “consequences” of forgiveness can make us hesitant to forgive.

• “People will disapprove”
• “I’ll lose face by taking the first step”
• “It’ll be like how it was before”

The fears provide an opportunity to examine your reaction. For example, if you think you’ll lose face, is there a history of let-downs with this person? Is there actually a different event that you need to forgive before you can forgive them for this one?

The process you go through in order to reconcile the fears changes your self perception. A part of you strengthens. Some things no longer matter while others become more important. You change in the perception of others. One person thinks your decision to forgive is crazy while someone else thinks you’re “well cool”.  How much will you be influenced by (and directed by) other people in this matter? How comfortable are you in the role of someone who has forgiven?

Sometimes you can only forgive in private, silently and secretly because the other person is not a physical part of your life anymore. Nobody knows what pain you were in nor the relief you feel now. It’s a big transition – who are you now that you’re not feeling the pain?

Forgiveness is perceived as something you have to do for the other person. I think it’s something you do for yourself.

You know that you have forgiven when you feel the peace in your body, when your language does not contain blame and when you no longer bring up the incident in future arguments.

These are just three mindsets that help cultivate the ability to stop disturbance finding a home in your soul. Do you have any others? To put the question another way, what obstacles do you find standing in the way of forgiveness?

Related article at ReetaLuthra.com: Forgiving Your Way to Personal Development and Better Health

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As a part of my continuing professional development, I attend a number of courses every year in the field of personal development. After some of the “deeper” courses that incorporate lots of exercises, I notice that one or two people inevitably end a long-term relationship soon afterwards.

NLP encourages questions and gives you the ability to understand and influence the deepest recesses of your mind. It’s an ability that is as delicate as it is empowering. Delicate because NLP requires constant, conscious awareness. At least initially.

Consider these two NLP Principles:

• Principle One: The meaning of your communication is the response you get.
• Principle Two: People make the best choice they can at the time.

Now consider the following conversation and how these principles were overlooked in the heat of the moment.

Tina: Darling, I’m going to nip over to the pub tonight with my friend Jenny.

James: That’s a bit short notice Sweetheart. You’re the one who says we don’t spend enough time together.

Tina: But you’ll be watching football with Dave and Steve – just thinking about it is making my stomach turn. What do you expect me to do… sit in the other room all night on my own?!

James: Tell Jenny to come round instead. Steve fancies her and it’ll make his night.

Tina: Jenny thinks Steve is creepy. I want to go to the pub.

James: What’s creepy about my friends? Suppose she thinks I’m creepy too. You should ditch her.

Tina: Grrr!

James: Grrr!

Learning NLP is like playing tennis for the first time. You’re going to miss a lot of balls before you develop a steady rhythm. The NLP version of the conversation might go something like:

NLP Tina: Darling, I’m going to nip over to the pub tonight with my friend Jenny.

James: That’s a bit short notice Sweetheart. You’re the one who says we don’t spend enough time together.

NLP Tina: I know… But you’ll be watching football with Dave and Steve so I thought I’d give you space to do whatever you guys do during a luuurvely game of footie… (fake exaggerated yawn, smile and a squeeze)… Do you have everything you’ll need?

James: Errr… Yes… Can’t you tell Jenny to come round instead. Steve fancies her and it’ll make his night.

NLP Tina: I’m not sure Jenny returns those feelings but I’ll ask her if she fancies coming over afterwards. We could pick up a DVD on the way home. Tell you what, I’ll text you if she says yes.

James: Sounds good.

Reading this, some people would think it’s good communication. Others would call it manipulation. What do you think – and why?

Exposure to NLP

On a Course – A course transfers skills and knowledge to you for you to practice and apply later. When wounds are opened during the course and left unresolved, it becomes easy to develop a sensitivity to how others are treating you and strike out without thinking.

With personal coaching/therapy – Individual sessions provide the time and focus you need in order to heal the wound, but even this is not without its own pitfalls. Attending sessions regularly and doing the work inbetween is time consuming and the costs can add up – so you only cover “the important things”. Personal sessions are also emotionally demanding and relationship niggles can become magnified.

Whether your experience of NLP and other personal development skills is through a course or individual sessions, here are a few things to keep in mind when your sweetheart isn’t looking so sweet.

“It’s My Life”

NLP for Personal Development teaches us that it’s okay to consider our own needs. It’s quite a nice lesson to learn in a world where we are encouraged to be all things to everyone else.

But in the heady delight of “being honest”, “envisioning our future” and “strategising our dreams”, we can become so orientated towards the new, that we overlook the gems in what we already have. Other things, perhaps even other people, start looking more attractive.

The other side of the coin is that we are considerably shaken by what we have discovered about ourselves and our opportunities. We become emotionally unable to provide reassurance or maintain any semblence of a relationship while we are busy trying to make sense of this new way of thinking.

In both situations, the temptation to put the relationship aside while we focus on ourselves is hard to resist and for some people, it’s the only option they feel they have.

Personally, I’d resist making any big decisions during this time but your partner does need to know what you are going through. If you only ever seek relationship help once in your life, this would be the time to do it. Preferably both of you – together as well as individually.

It’s your Personal Development, not theirs

If you spend time in a remote or deprived part of the world, you’ll return home being able to have a good bath using just one jug of water. Just because you can do this, don’t expect your loved one can suddenly do it too – or that she even wants to.

Personal Development programmes, including NLP and EFT amongst others, will open up new ways of thinking and behaving and you’ll be so tempted to “improve” your partner too. Don’t do it! Your course/session has been paced to bring you to where you are now. Your partner hasn’t had that experience and besides, she might be ultra-sensitive to what your change means for her. Top bug-bears for non-NLP people are:

• “Techniquing” your partner – If she’s upset, don’t immediately SWISH her or ask her to “Tap and accept herself”.  Listen to her and appreciate the opportunity to practice the new listening, pacing and reframing skills you have learnt.
• Evangelising about how great NLP is – She really doesn’t care. Talk normally about it with a similar level of enthusiasm as you would for any other obsession… err.. I mean interest…  and she may want to know more.

Pressing Buttons

NLP makes you aware of your own buttons, good and bad. You won’t have time on a course to address them properly and even with one-to-one coaching, you’ll only address the ones that reveal themselves in the context of your issue.

Back in the real world, you’ll be tuned into yourself to a higher degree than you were before. When things niggle you, perhaps you’ll interpret them as a sign that the relationship is wrong. But the chances are that a button has been pushed. Personal Development is not limited to training courses or coaching sessions, it goes on every single day and identifying what you have just reacted to is all part of the process.

• “If I go out, he’ll sulk for days” – You’ve both had buttons pushed. As an NLPer you can easily probe your deeper mind to find the root of your button. But he can’t because he hates “navel-gazing”. Plus it’s emotionally and mentally draining. Communication is the bedrock of any relationship and once you’ve taken the emotional charge out of your own “It’s not fair that I can’t go out” emotions, you’re better placed to talk to him. Avoiding obvious NLP terminology (it’s grating to hear it), think about what have you learnt through your course or individual coaching sessions that you could apply to have him understand and accept your right to go out.

NLP is cold and emotionless

People commonly complain that NLP is cold and emotionless because it puts a structure to something as random and ethereal as emotions. The structure provides footholds during personal coaching and self-analysis. However, using clinical words and phrases to non-NLP friends and family is just asking for trouble. Friends and family want to talk about their issues – not have someone whip out a pencil and jot down their submodalities etc.

This is frustrating for an NLPer who knows that the “problem” could be over quickly if the person would just listen to this NLP pearl of wisdom. But they get “Are you NLPing me?”, “Stop NLPing me”, “I’m not doing a technique, it’s artificial. Our relationship should be natural, warts and all.”

People want to be understood. People like others taking an interest in them. If you can be genuine about this, then the NLP principles “Every behaviour has a positive intention” and “People respond to their experience, not reality itself” take precedence naturally – giving rise to a rapport, pacing and leading that mitigates against any coldness.

Separation

Sometimes it is time for people to go their separate ways. Divorce and separation are amongst the most damaging and stressful experiences we can have. NLP can certainly play its part in managing the stress during the various stages of grief.

In a separation, one person often “wants” it more than the other. When you’re the NLPer initiating a break-up, you are aware of the resources within you that will allow you to do it with integrity and respect. While your partner may not ever approve of or agree with the decision (and it’s not your job to babysit her through it), be respectful, take ownership of your decision and accept responsibility for the questions you may be asked to answer. After all, this person played an important part in your life, and to some degree influences the person you are today.

And of course, bear in mind that if there are children involved, your partner will forever be a part of your life and a part of the life of your next partner. A bitter separation will to some degree impact the quality of your next relationship.

It could also impact your children’s identity, possibly reaching far into the future. When I was at school, a friend in my class was used as a tool in a manipulative battle between her divorced parents. She went from being “normal” to a snappy, snarling bully within the space of the 6 week summer holiday.

Has NLP affected your relationships – positively or negatively? Did you go through a transition period and what tips would you share with others?

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Or to be more precise – what happened to those New Year Resolutions?

New Year Resolutions are made on New Year because it’s a magical, sparkly time that’s ever so convenient to allow ourselves to think about what we want.

But you already know that resolutions can be made at any time of the year. They are a statement of intention; goals. A bit of action behind the intention gets you on your way. A wise soul once said that spending 5 minutes every single day towards your goal helps you stay focused and little by little, you get there.

I don’t usually make any New Year Resolutions but this year I thought it would be nice to learn how to make a website in Joomla – I confess, I only started last month but since I started, I’ve been spending some time on it every day and am no longer a newbie! I may even have the new site up this side of Christmas.

How are you getting on with your resolutions? Leave a comment below and help encourage those who haven’t started theirs yet!

In the meantime, here are a couple of interesting sites to browse.

The Art of Nonconformity – A home for remarkable people doing remarkable things. Chris Guillebeau chronicles his battles against conventional beliefs. He is currently on a quest to travel to every country in the world

TED (Technology, Entertainment, Design) – Devoted to Ideas Worth Spreading, TED contains an ever-growing collection of videos from speakers around the world. They award an annual prize to three people with a vision to transform the world

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This post has been moved to Reeta Luthra’s new site about Stress and Your Health.

You can find the post here.

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I’m in Dubai where there is much construction taking place. The construction workers work hard all day long in 40 degree heat. At lunchtime, they lie in the shade to rest.

Looking out from my 17th floor balcony, I’m feeling quite content. The internet connection is stable, the room is comfortable, my work is all laid out on the desk and I’m just where I want to be.

As I look out, my attention is caught by a man lying in the shade. He is uniformed head-to-toe in blue like all the other construction workers and there is a shoe beside him. He has one leg stretched out. The other leg is missing. There is just a short, black stump where his right thigh should be.

I’m humbled of course. I’m also in awe of a man who does construction on high-rises with only one leg. How does he climb up and down? I wonder why the stump is thin and black. Is it an implant of some kind? I wonder what his life must be like. My mind weaves an intricate story about his misfortunes and in the background, I’m acutely aware of all my comforts.  I grow increasingly sad at the unfairness of it all.

As I’m about to turn, the man moves. Miraculously, his missing leg appears!! He had been lying with his right leg bent up at the knee. The black “stump” was his sock covered foot. The blue of his trousers had blended so perfectly with the blue of his top and the bird’s-eye angle was such that I had not been able to see this. Now I also see that the one shoe beside him is wide enough to actually be two shoes.

My relief was immediate and I said “Thank you” even though I don’t know who I was thanking… God for not crippling him? Or the man for freeing me from my humbling guilt?

Strangely, there has been a string of events in the last few days where I have been surprised by the reality of something being different to what I had thought. It’s almost as if I am being gently prodded to go slower, be less hasty to put a label on an event, take my time with evaluation.

If I had turned away a second earlier, I’d have spent the day (days probably) pondering this man’s life, creating a story, looking for imagined turning points. Elements of this story would come back in the future to remind me of what I “saw” today.  Instead, I’m full of humility at my own ability to see and run away with things that are not there.

Taking things at face value is of course normal. I saw what I thought I saw – the story I created based on what I thought I saw was however quite remarkable.

Whose face do you see when you take things at face value? In the spirit of the Paradox of Reality, we don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.

Comment on this post at: How Valuable is Face Value?

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This is part of a series covering my challenge of learning Arabic in 2 months. I’m using lots of Peak Performance techniques and sharing them along the way. The series is filed in the “Language Challenge” category.

The Holographic Mind

Scientists have shown that different parts of the brain are responsible for different activities. The frontal lobe is responsible for cognition, speech, problem solving and complex motor movements. The temporal lobe is responsible for visual and verbal memory, smell and hearing in different frequencies. And so on.

Subsequent neuro-scientific research into brain plasticity has found that despite this specialisation, there is a certain holographic quality to the brain, whereby if one area is damaged, it is possible to retrain the brain so that other parts of the brain take on that “job function”.  (See references below for further reading).

So, what does this have to do with learning Arabic?

From a broad perspective, it shows that different activities, such as reading, writing and speaking, are processed in different ways and that if you’re not terribly good at something, it’s possible to call in help from other parts of your brain. I suppose in some ways, you could say that ability is a learned response.

There is a lot going on in the brain and most of the time, it happens without us even being aware of it. Your brain helps you raise your arm to put food into your mouth. It helps you to feel outrage when you see an injustice happening. At some point, you trained it to do these things, but you didn’t necessarily do it consciously. Somehow, the brain has enough ways to communicate with all parts of itself that it takes what it experiences in the world through all your senses, and translates it into what you *expect* it to translate it into.

Over-using the mind through habit and repetition

I don’t remember the actual process by which I learnt to read, write and speak my first language. What I do remember is that by the age of 5, I was speaking a mixture of Hindi, Punjabi, Swahili and English and at that age, I had no idea that these were four different languages. My little child brain had taken the information being fed to me from the world around me and translated it into what little child me *expected* it to translate into.

Now, “people” say that adult brains are not as receptive as child brains and that learning a new language is not easy, even impossible, for an adult.

And yes, as we get older, we do over-use parts of our brains to the point that they encroach on the “brain space” for other activities. For example, a postman who has been delivering letters for 40 years will be an excellent reader but he processes what he reads in a different way to a poet who is also an excellent reader and has been writing for 40 years. The postman reads the words “Beechwood Close” and in his minds eye sees a task, a map, a route and immediately starts planning how to incorporate it into his round. The poet reads the words “Beechwood Close” and it becomes a different sensory experience as he creates his own story and emotions around them.

There are no such stories and emotions for the postman and the poet has no map or task in his mind. The areas that their brain considers non-essential (because they are rarely used) have weakened in size.

Because of the holographic and plastic nature of the brain, both the poet and postman can extend their mental reach into the areas that they have “forgotten” about through lack of use. All they need is a will and a way.

Using what you already know to help make what you don’t know something that you do know

I have not studied a language since I was at school. So certain areas of my mind need re-activation.

As a child, I simply took what was in front of me and allowed it to “do it’s thing” in my head. Adults are full of assumptions and presuppositions that kind of limit what they allow themselves to discover. Adults sometimes forget that they have an advantage – they can use their life-experience to tap into past experiences and know-how to make re-activation nice and simple.

Over time we all develop preferred ways of processing information. Identifying these optimum ways of processing information will accelerate my learning because I can concentrate on what I know works. Unlike a child trying to process everything in range, I gain the luxury of strategy and focus.

As you read the rest of this article, remember that your optimum ways of processing information may well be different from mine. As I describe what I am doing, look into yourself to see how you can capitalise on what you already do in order to make a new skill easier to achieve.

Reading

Technically, reading involves recognising shapes and associating a meaning to them. I do not need to know which lobes of my brain are doing this. It would be useful however to know how I am attaching meaning to the shapes I see.

I think of the word “Cat” (in English). With the eyes of my mind, I see a furry, smiley black cat that belongs to a witch. The word “cat” is superimposed on this image and I can spell “cat” by looking at the letters.

I think of the word “Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious” and with the eyes of my mind, I see Mary Poppins dancing around and singing. The word is easy to spell because again, it’s superimposed on this image and I can “see” it.

Now, I think of a word I have trouble spelling. “Stationary”. Or is it “Stationery”?? Bleugh. With the eyes of my mind, I see myself doing a spelling test at a recruitment agency for a Summer job that I don’t want. I’m bored, unhappy and for some reason, my success hinges on this stupid word. And you guessed it, this word is not superimposed on this image. It’s there, but it’s broken up with bits of it all over the “screen” and it’s a struggle to make the pieces fit.

From this, I know that in order to attach a meaning to a (correctly spelt) word, my mind needs to attach it to a “happy” picture. Knowing this, I can now take all these new Arabic words and phrases I am learning and make a conscious effort to attach them to a “happy picture” as I learn them. If I do it the way my mind wants me to do it, there’s a good chance it’ll work beautifully.

So now I find that when I think of an English word e.g. “yoghurt”, my English mind sees a strawberry flavoured Ski yoghurt. My Arabic mind however sees a yoghurt pot on a shelf in Spinney’s, a supermarket in the Sahara Mall in Sharjah. And SUCCESS!, the word superimposed on this image is the Arabic word for yoghurt, written in arabic!! Now, my fluency isn’t all that great yet and I do have to concentrate to spell the word out in Arabic – but the key thing is that it’s there and I CAN see it, read it and spell it.

By the way, my Hindi mind sees my Mum’s home-made yoghurt in a pan in the fridge. Interesting how the same word is represented by different images in the mind depending on the language I’m thinking in.

Try this one for yourself – what happens in your mind when you think about a word to spell? Do you see it the way I do or is it different for you? It can take a few tries to get used to noticing something that usually happens automatically and unconsciously, but stick with it.

Writing

Writing is the process by which your thoughts are made readable. This is a completely different skill-set from Reading.

In order to write, my mind has to:

1. Create the thought
2. Find words to represent that thought
3. Identify the grammatical structure for the sentence
4. Identify the spelling for the word

My vocabulary in Arabic is not quite up to getting past step 2 yet and Arabic grammatical structure is completely different from English. So currently the best way to write is through copying sentences in my tutorial book. And this is fine because what I am getting through this is fluidity and familiarity. My letters are becoming neater (thanks to a tip from a friend who advised me to write the letters as small as possible). I am also thinking about the grammatical structure of what I am copying. The typos in the book don’t help but it makes me happy that I am able to spot them!

Speaking

Speaking is the vocal translation of your thoughts. The steps involved are similar to that in Writing with the practical difference that speaking is more forgiving than writing. I am not studying Arabic to exam standard so I can afford to enjoy the fact that body language can do some of my talking for me. I do need to watch this though in case it makes me lazy. Ensuring I work on my speaking skills every day will help me keep pace with my growing vocabulary.

Speaking in an authentic accent is important to me. Ordinarily, I have an even London accent – but when I am upset, excited or emotional, my Croydon roots show themselves as a distinct South London flavour modifies my voice. This indicates to me that initial exposure to the sound of a language will set the tone of how I speak.

Unfortunately, my tutorial CD’s are atrocious for accent. They are spoken in the stilted, exaggerated way that is common in language CD’s – I’m mimicking these awful accents very well and it’s doing nothing for my street cred.  I am in urgent need for authentic youtubes or online radio etc where I can immerse my brain in the sound of the language. I’d be grateful for suggestions of suitable material online that I can listen to! Preferably the type of accent/style common in the UAE (Dubai).

My Routine – one month into the challenge

It’s now one month since I started my challenge. I know the entire alphabet and have basic vocabulary. I’ve been averaging about 4 hours study a week (plus review time). I’m satisfied with my progress so far but definitely need to step things up a notch now. My standard routine is:

• Reviewing what I learn – flash cards with new words and phrases that I can test myself on throughout the day. I’m training my brain to remember and repetition is a great trainer. Also, I know from having modelled people with excellent memories, that they have a habit (i.e. automatic activity) of thinking about and reviewing what they have learnt or read.
• Maintaining curiosity and interest – Reviewing my goals keeps me focused, especially on sunny days when it would be more fun to go for a bike ride.
• Remembering what I learn – Again, from my modelling work on people with excellent memories for what they read, I know that a fact that is made memorable will become memorable. The people I modelled unconsciously and automatically treat the things they read as items of intense interest (even on subjects that they don’t care about!). Intense interest equals curiosity. Curiosity equals questions. Questions equal analysis of the subject and cross-linkages to existing information they already know. Cross linkages equals reinforcement of what is currently being learnt. Even with something as standalone as a new language, there are cross-linkages to be made that makes remembering that much easier.
• Prioritising and giving myself room to grow – Some things come in time, Arabic grammar is one them. If a rule won’t go in quickly and easily, I don’t obsess about it. I know that continuing my study will bring me into contact with this rule again and again. The same way that constant exposure to a song has you knowing the lyrics without trying, I know that I will pick up whatever grammar rule is escaping me at this early stage.

Resources for further reading:

The Brain That Changes Itself, Norman Doidge -  amazon.co.uk | amazon.com

The Holographic Universe, Michael Talbot -  amazon.co.uk | amazon.com

The Britannica Guide to the Brain -  amazon.co.uk | amazon.com

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Expectations are a component of relationships. They are formed in ways that include:

• A direct or indirect promise – e.g. we are a 4 star hotel
• Cliches – e.g. used car salesmen will say anything to close a deal
• Cultural and social teachings - e.g. the doctor/minister/professional have the interests of clients at heart
• Past experiences – e.g. using the pain of past relationships to distance yourself from new ones

Much is written about managing expectations – professionals and corporates have mission statements, contracts, legal obligations and codes of conduct that help them to manage relationships with customers. Personal relationship experts talk about the importance of good communication.

Managing expectations is something we all have to do once in a while in situations ranging from leap-year wedding proposals to planning a budget for a business project. Expectations are not always communicated, but you can tell when you are at the receiving end of one that is not being met because you’ll be up against some resistance or conflict.

And this is when you get the power to decide if you want to turn the situation into one that is going to serve you well in the long run. It is an action activity – you DO it.

Of course, expectations are about relationships, so it’s not what you do, it’s the way that you do it that influences what you get.

Desiring a relationship

If your long-term goal is to build or maintain a relationship, you start off with this desire. This desire influences the way you go about handling the management or delivery of the expectation. 

It is possible to develop relationships even when the expectation is unreasonable. This is when desire becomes particularly important because it allows you to go the extra mile to define boundaries and convey more realistic expectations. Without this desire to maintain a relationship, you will simply go through the motions.

When expectations are reasonable, this desire helps you to meet them in way that generates loyalty and commitment.

Short break in Barcelona – Part case-study, part rant.

Take my recent trip to Barcelona as an example. We were on holiday and expected our pre-booked hotel to be clean and comfortable with staff who would point out local attractions if required (in that order). We got reassurance of this when we saw the 4 star rating displayed prominently on the entrance to the spacious, modern foyer showcasing an elegant zen garden.

Then we had our experience.

• The receptionist doesn’t acknowledge us for 5 minutes.
• When we are checked in, sadly it turns out that our room hasn’t been cleaned yet from the previous occupancy. We return to reception.
• We get the key to “the last room available”. Sadly this room smells like an ashtray. We return to reception.
• He shrugs and says it is a non-smoking room but what can he do if the previous occupant smoked in there. He tells us we can upgrade to a suite if we pay an extra 40 euros per night. We say “no thanks, we’ll take the room we pre-booked with you”.
• Another receptionist appears after half an hour and miraculously finds us another “last room available”. This one turns out to be lovely and even has a sea view.

• One day we return to our room at 8pm having been sight-seeing all day. They’ve forgotten to service the room. No problem, these things happen. We’ll tell reception and they’ll sort it out.
• We’re told housekeeping closes at 5pm. They accuse us of having left the “Do not disturb” sign out all day and that it’s our fault. We hadn’t and it’s not. 
• We are offered an upgrade to a clean suite for an extra 40 euros per night. We ask the receptionist to confirm that we are in 4 star hotel.
• Forty minutes later, the receptionist tells us not to worry about anything and that we can go to dinner and the room will be fully serviced by the time we return.

The hotel had set expectations when it advertised its 4 star rating. In fairness, it eventually met our most basic expectations of a clean and comfortable room… but it was done reluctantly and with an air of doing us a favour. Relationship building was not a priority.

Execution impacted our experience.  

All along, the hotel had a suitable room that it could have provided without nudging us to upgrade at our own expense. It also had housekeeping services on site that it could have provided without blaming us (unfairly as it turned out) or putting us through frustration and disappointment.

Through the way the hotel handled our basic expectations, they didn’t appear concerned about building a relationship with us and turning us into loyal customers. It’s a shame because it was a nice hotel. The room was comfortable and the staff were very helpful when we asked about local attractions and transport. The restaurant was among the best I have been to – the chef obviously loves what he does and is passionate about giving his diners a good experience.

But who wants to gamble or struggle with getting a clean room in a well-rated hotel when there are plenty of others around who’ll meet these expectations with pleasure?

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This is part of a series covering my challenge of learning Arabic in 2 months. I’m using lots of Peak Performance techniques and sharing them along the way. The series is filed in the “Language Challenge” category.

What’s Eating You?

So far I have covered Peak Performance states, Goal Setting and the motivating importance of Curiosity. Now comes a peek into subconscious influences that direct our behaviour.

First a confession - As far as studying goes, I have been slacking off all week, fitting in a mini-break to Barcelona and catching up with friends. I may not have studied much Arabic but I have been paying attention to improving the way I process information for this task.

Reading, Writing and Speaking are separate brain functions but they are all open to being influenced by our thoughts. Our thoughts – and our beliefs about ourselves – shape our behaviour.

As we go through life, we subconsciously pick up lots of different ways of relating to ourselves, to others and even the things around us. This affects what we believe and how we approach things. It contributes to our uniqueness, making us feel our thoughts are a solid, fixed and intrinsic part of our personality.  Which they’re not.

In this article, I hope to show that through understanding and addressing what lies behind our thoughts, we can change our thoughts and shape ourselves to how we deserve to be.

Identifying beliefs behind our actions

Our beliefs about our abilities come from associations we’ve made through experiences we have lived through – either directly or indirectly through others. Some beliefs help us while others don’t.

To achieve peak performance in any given area, it’s useful to ensure that we are working with beliefs that support our goals. To do this, we first have to identify the beliefs (good and bad) that are having impact on the goal. This is what mine look like:

Goal: Reading
I was reading at the age of 3. My favourite place was in front of a book and I enjoyed the entire experience – turning pages, the mystery within them, following words with my finger, total absorption in the pretty pictures making up my own stories to go with them. I felt a genuine thrill combined with safety when I was reading and I still feel it now. I believe reading is desirable because I associate it with something good.

Goal: Writing
At school age about 8 and wasn’t allowed to write in ink until I could write neatly in pencil. All my friends managed it but not me. In the end I asked the teacher if I could give her an ink test page to prove I could do it. She agreed, I passed and became the proud owner of a fountain pen.  It’s a memory I did not even know I had until I started practising writing Arabic. I believe writing practice is a pain in the proverbial because I associate it with a teacher who kept saying “no”.

Goal: Speaking
Nothing jumps out at me for this goal. To me it feels like an activity much like going to buy a stamp for a letter – you do it when you need to, no fuss, no mess, just functional. I believe speaking is ordinary and everyday to the point where I have nothing else to say on the subject.

Goal: Remembering
I’m going to throw in memory too because I’m discovering associations with it relating to exams and the sheer impossibility of remembering useless dates and facts. I believe I can’t remember facts because I associate it with fear of failing an exam.

If you try identifying your own beliefs, you may find that you come up with several associations or that your beliefs are caught in some kind of a loop. Take it gently if that happens – take a break and look at the resources mentioned below to help yourself or find someone who can talk it through with you.

The impact of associations

As I go about learning to read, write and speak Arabic, these beliefs are affecting my behaviour. I am automatically giving priority to the reading aspects, feeling nervous and “on my best behaviour” about writing and not paying any attention to speaking – after all, I don’t actually need to speak it right now. I am also nervous about being able to remember what I learn. It feels as if I should only study concepts and outlines because I will forget the details anyway.

My associations and beliefs around:

• Reading… will help me so no need to worry about that.
• Writing… have a motivating quality to them so will help me by making me work harder.
• Speaking… will hinder me because I don’t view speaking as important. This means I won’t practice the words and won’t develop a good rhythm or accent. This will hurt my goal.
• Remembering… could lead to procrastination or even giving up. Because I’m strongly attached to the feeling of being unable to remember, there may well be self-hypnotic undermining of my own efforts to remember. This will hurt my goal.

Understanding the influence of my beliefs to this level of detail helps me to recognise the ways that some of my thoughts have the potential to hurt my goal.

Breaking unhelpful associations

To be at peak performance, I need to change the way I think about speaking and remembering. I can do this with logic or I can use a combination of NLP and EFT techniques. It doesn’t matter how I do it so long as I end up being able to see things in a different way.

The actual techniques I used need a detailed write-up and because I won’t be able to do them justice in this one article, I am planning a series of step-by-step tutorials on the subject of breaking unhelpful associations.

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In the meantime, if you want to get a start and read around the subject yourself, I recommend the following resources:

The NLP Workbook – I recommend this book to my clients as it’s suitable for beginners to NLP and also detailed enough to be valuable to practitioners too. The workbook format is practical and encourages you to put NLP into action yourself.

Try it on Everything – EFT DVD and companion book set.

Introduction to EFT Manual by Gary Craig, the founder of EFT.

Thoughts Support Success!

So, having broken the associations, I now find my thoughts are stronger and more supportive of my goals:

• Speaking seems more accessible and more vital in my goal of learning a language. I feel differently about it and practicing it every day actually feels more desirable… and attainable.
• Memory has placed itself in context. Exam pressure is no longer the first thing I think about. I’m more attuned to my successes and am remembering very clearly all the times I easily learnt things. Coincidentally (or not), I am noticing that in all these times I was highly motivated, interested and curious. Remember from previous parts of this series that intense focus and curiosity provide the ideal conditions for information to be stored in long-term memory.

When your thoughts are on your side, you’re automatically more attuned to following through because you’re not sabotaging yourself.

Next time I will be talking about the mental patterns of Reading, Writing and Speaking. If you enjoyed this article, please feel free to subscribe by RSS or email to receive updates.

Language Challenge Part 5 – Allowing the Brain to Read, Write and Speak

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Comment on this post at: My Language Challenge: Part 4 – The Influence of Thoughts on Learning

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