Reeta Luthra (Paradox of Reality) » NLP

Can NLP Hurt Your Relationships?

Reeta Luthra — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 17:18:18 +0000

As a part of my continuing professional development, I attend a number of courses every year in the field of personal development. After some of the “deeper” courses that incorporate lots of exercises, I notice that one or two people inevitably end a long-term relationship soon afterwards.

NLP encourages questions and gives you the ability to understand and influence the deepest recesses of your mind. It’s an ability that is as delicate as it is empowering. Delicate because NLP requires constant, conscious awareness. At least initially.

Consider these two NLP Principles:

Principle One: The meaning of your communication is the response you get.
Principle Two: People make the best choice they can at the time.

Now consider the following conversation and how these principles were overlooked in the heat of the moment.

Tina: Darling, I’m going to nip over to the pub tonight with my friend Jenny.

James: That’s a bit short notice Sweetheart. You’re the one who says we don’t spend enough time together.

Tina: But you’ll be watching football with Dave and Steve – just thinking about it is making my stomach turn. What do you expect me to do… sit in the other room all night on my own?!

James: Tell Jenny to come round instead. Steve fancies her and it’ll make his night.

Tina: Jenny thinks Steve is creepy. I want to go to the pub.

James: What’s creepy about my friends? Suppose she thinks I’m creepy too. You should ditch her.

Tina: Grrr!

James: Grrr!

Learning NLP is like playing tennis for the first time. You’re going to miss a lot of balls before you develop a steady rhythm. The NLP version of the conversation might go something like:

NLP Tina: Darling, I’m going to nip over to the pub tonight with my friend Jenny.

James: That’s a bit short notice Sweetheart. You’re the one who says we don’t spend enough time together.

NLP Tina: I know… But you’ll be watching football with Dave and Steve so I thought I’d give you space to do whatever you guys do during a luuurvely game of footie… (fake exaggerated yawn, smile and a squeeze)… Do you have everything you’ll need?

James: Errr… Yes… Can’t you tell Jenny to come round instead. Steve fancies her and it’ll make his night.

NLP Tina: I’m not sure Jenny returns those feelings but I’ll ask her if she fancies coming over afterwards. We could pick up a DVD on the way home. Tell you what, I’ll text you if she says yes.

James: Sounds good.

Reading this, some people would think it’s good communication. Others would call it manipulation. What do you think – and why?

Exposure to NLP

On a Course – A course transfers skills and knowledge to you for you to practice and apply later. When wounds are opened during the course and left unresolved, it becomes easy to develop a sensitivity to how others are treating you and strike out without thinking.

With personal coaching/therapy – Individual sessions provide the time and focus you need in order to heal the wound, but even this is not without its own pitfalls. Attending sessions regularly and doing the work inbetween is time consuming and the costs can add up – so you only cover “the important things”. Personal sessions are also emotionally demanding and relationship niggles can become magnified.

Whether your experience of NLP and other personal development skills is through a course or individual sessions, here are a few things to keep in mind when your sweetheart isn’t looking so sweet.

“It’s My Life”

NLP for Personal Development teaches us that it’s okay to consider our own needs. It’s quite a nice lesson to learn in a world where we are encouraged to be all things to everyone else.

But in the heady delight of “being honest”, “envisioning our future” and “strategising our dreams”, we can become so orientated towards the new, that we overlook the gems in what we already have. Other things, perhaps even other people, start looking more attractive.

The other side of the coin is that we are considerably shaken by what we have discovered about ourselves and our opportunities. We become emotionally unable to provide reassurance or maintain any semblence of a relationship while we are busy trying to make sense of this new way of thinking.

In both situations, the temptation to put the relationship aside while we focus on ourselves is hard to resist and for some people, it’s the only option they feel they have.

Personally, I’d resist making any big decisions during this time but your partner does need to know what you are going through. If you only ever seek relationship help once in your life, this would be the time to do it. Preferably both of you – together as well as individually.

It’s your Personal Development, not theirs

If you spend time in a remote or deprived part of the world, you’ll return home being able to have a good bath using just one jug of water. Just because you can do this, don’t expect your loved one can suddenly do it too – or that she even wants to.

Personal Development programmes, including NLP and EFT amongst others, will open up new ways of thinking and behaving and you’ll be so tempted to “improve” your partner too. Don’t do it! Your course/session has been paced to bring you to where you are now. Your partner hasn’t had that experience and besides, she might be ultra-sensitive to what your change means for her. Top bug-bears for non-NLP people are:

“Techniquing” your partner – If she’s upset, don’t immediately SWISH her or ask her to “Tap and accept herself”. Listen to her and appreciate the opportunity to practice the new listening, pacing and reframing skills you have learnt.
Evangelising about how great NLP is – She really doesn’t care. Talk normally about it with a similar level of enthusiasm as you would for any other obsession… err.. I mean interest… and she may want to know more.

Pressing Buttons

NLP makes you aware of your own buttons, good and bad. You won’t have time on a course to address them properly and even with one-to-one coaching, you’ll only address the ones that reveal themselves in the context of your issue.

Back in the real world, you’ll be tuned into yourself to a higher degree than you were before. When things niggle you, perhaps you’ll interpret them as a sign that the relationship is wrong. But the chances are that a button has been pushed. Personal Development is not limited to training courses or coaching sessions, it goes on every single day and identifying what you have just reacted to is all part of the process.

“If I go out, he’ll sulk for days” – You’ve both had buttons pushed. As an NLPer you can easily probe your deeper mind to find the root of your button. But he can’t because he hates “navel-gazing”. Plus it’s emotionally and mentally draining. Communication is the bedrock of any relationship and once you’ve taken the emotional charge out of your own “It’s not fair that I can’t go out” emotions, you’re better placed to talk to him. Avoiding obvious NLP terminology (it’s grating to hear it), think about what have you learnt through your course or individual coaching sessions that you could apply to have him understand and accept your right to go out.

NLP is cold and emotionless

People commonly complain that NLP is cold and emotionless because it puts a structure to something as random and ethereal as emotions. The structure provides footholds during personal coaching and self-analysis. However, using clinical words and phrases to non-NLP friends and family is just asking for trouble. Friends and family want to talk about their issues – not have someone whip out a pencil and jot down their submodalities etc.

This is frustrating for an NLPer who knows that the “problem” could be over quickly if the person would just listen to this NLP pearl of wisdom. But they get “Are you NLPing me?”, “Stop NLPing me”, “I’m not doing a technique, it’s artificial. Our relationship should be natural, warts and all.”

People want to be understood. People like others taking an interest in them. If you can be genuine about this, then the NLP principles “Every behaviour has a positive intention” and “People respond to their experience, not reality itself” take precedence naturally – giving rise to a rapport, pacing and leading that mitigates against any coldness.

Separation

Sometimes it is time for people to go their separate ways. Divorce and separation are amongst the most damaging and stressful experiences we can have. NLP can certainly play its part in managing the stress during the various stages of grief.

In a separation, one person often “wants” it more than the other. When you’re the NLPer initiating a break-up, you are aware of the resources within you that will allow you to do it with integrity and respect. While your partner may not ever approve of or agree with the decision (and it’s not your job to babysit her through it), be respectful, take ownership of your decision and accept responsibility for the questions you may be asked to answer. After all, this person played an important part in your life, and to some degree influences the person you are today.

And of course, bear in mind that if there are children involved, your partner will forever be a part of your life and a part of the life of your next partner. A bitter separation will to some degree impact the quality of your next relationship.

It could also impact your children’s identity, possibly reaching far into the future. When I was at school, a friend in my class was used as a tool in a manipulative battle between her divorced parents. She went from being “normal” to a snappy, snarling bully within the space of the 6 week summer holiday.

Has NLP affected your relationships – positively or negatively? Did you go through a transition period and what tips would you share with others?

Photo credit: BillyRuth3

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My Language Challenge: Part 3 – Curiosity and its Role in Learning

Reeta Luthra — Thu, 07 May 2009 13:40:16 +0000

This is part of a series covering my challenge of learning Arabic in 2 months. I’m using lots of Peak Performance techniques and sharing them along the way. The series is filed in the “Language Challenge” category.

Brain Plasticity, Curiosity and Learning

Michael Merzenich is a neuroscientist and has been called the world’s leading researcher on brain plasticity. Brain plasticity refers to the physical ability of the brain to change over time – either weakening or thickening.

It’s not just a child’s brain that grows and develops. Research by Merzenich and others has shown that under the right conditions (i.e. appropriate mental stimulus), adults of any age have the ability to grow stronger neural networks in their brains too, strengthening the links and actually changing the physical structure of their brain.

Learning a new language creates the right conditions for stronger neural links by involving inputs from multiple senses that exercise the mind from a variety of angles and create a stronger brain function. Martial arts, chess and dancing are other examples of activities that involve multiple senses.

Curiosity

Just one week into my challenge, I am feeling the input from multiple senses colliding as they try and find a place to settle in my brain. What I’m discovering is that Reading, Writing and Speaking are three separate brain functions and approaching them in the way they “want” to be approached greatly speeds up the learning process. I will explain more about this in my next post because today I want to focus on Curiosity and how it plays a vital part in keeping momentum going.

Some of the features about curiosity are:

It fuels a need to explore
It makes us question things
It makes us open-minded and receptive to differences and things we don’t understand
It stops habitual behaviour from stagnating us and weakening our brain function
It drives us to learn

This week, I discovered an inherent ability to recognise sounds and shapes and put them together. Just a week in and I already know half of the Arabic alphabet by heart and can read it and recite it easily. However, I also found that writing these shapes is more difficult for me from memory.

There are only 28 letters in the Arabic alphabet, but they all look different depending on whether they are at the beginning, end or middle of a word and also depending on whether they are printed or hand-scripted! I can recognise the shapes easily enough to read but writing is a completely different kettle of fish. “Blimey” I thought and screeched to a halt to re-evaluate my options and ask myself if I really needed to know scripting.

Guiding Curiosity

Now this is the important thing about curiosity. Curiosity can be like a pretty butterfly flitting from flower to flower. The path towards the goal is full of flowers – at each flower, curiosity gets a chance to change direction.

Curiosity made me start this challenge but it needs a helping hand to make me stay on track. The helping hand comes from the NLP PECSAW goal setting model. As I pause to re-evaluate my options, I revisit my PECSAW and the “Worthwhile” part of it floods me with the desire to break through my little alphabet issue – 28 letters, a million ways to write them? Pah! Easy!

Having a well-defined goal and constantly reminding yourself of the benefits of achievement helps to guide the butterfly towards it’s destination by reigniting it’s desire to get there.

Curiosity and Learning

If curiosity keeps you in touch with things to be explored, desire helps to create the right conditions for you to find a way to learn the new skills that ultimately strengthen the neuron connections in your brain.

Curiosity gets you thinking about a goal, desire finds a way – but actively reigniting curiosity throughout the period of learning turns the goal into a destination that can be mapped – both outwardly as you become fluent at the task and inwardly, as your brain gains stronger neural connections.

Language Challenge Part 4 – The Influence of Thoughts on Learning

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My Language Challenge: Part 2 – Setting and Planning Goals the NLP Way

Reeta Luthra — Wed, 29 Apr 2009 13:27:30 +0000

This is part of a series covering my challenge of learning Arabic in 2 months. I’m using lots of Peak Performance techniques and sharing them along the way. The series is filed in the “Language Challenge” category.

Setting Goals

“When you know what you want, and want it bad enough, you will find a way to get it.” – Jim Rohn

Previously, I mentioned I had some issues with time. My time analysis study has now shown me that I do have enough hours in the day. This has alleviated my concerns and I have comfortably and easily improved my time management. Mostly this is through getting rid of doorways to distraction (eg checking email) and timetabling non-essential but enjoyable activities like web-traffic analysis etc.

The PECSAW model in NLP is a set of guidelines that help design goals that are “do-able”.

I’ve only provided short example answers in this PECSAW outline below. If you do this for one of your own goals, make yours rich and full of information. The more detailed you are, the more your mind finds a way to make it happen.

P = Positive : i.e. What is my goal exactly? State this in a positive way i.e. “I want a new job” not “I don’t want to work here”

In two months time, I want to be able to read and write Modern Standard Arabic (MSA) to an introductory level and also to be able to hold a basic level of conversation through being able to adapt MSA to a more conversational dialect (Gulf focused). I want to have memorised the alphabet and have knowledge of scripting, pronunciation, basic sentence structure, numbers, gender differences in language and basic conversation. I also want to improve my knowledge of Arabic culture and customs.

E = Evidence : i.e. How will I know that I have achieved my goal?

Successful completion of all the exercises in my tutorial books
Being able to read – with a dictionary if necessary – a children’s storybook in Arabic
Showing some of my writing to an Arabian friend to see if they can read it
Being able to converse to some degree in Arabic
Being able to read UAE road signs and number plates
Being able to follow Arabic you-tubes

C = Context : i.e. Where am I going to do this? When will I do this? Have I got the right influences?

For information to go into long-term memory, the learning stage has to be intensely focused with high levels of concentration. For most people, 20-45 minutes of focused study is about the right length before concentration starts to wane and the return on study time diminishes. A 10-15 minute break helps to get the concentration back.

This feature of the learning process actually fits very nicely into my schedule as I can easily manage two or three short concentrated bursts of study throughout the day. Practicing what I have learnt uses different brain “muscles” to learning and doesn’t require as intense concentration or short periods of study. But as I only have short periods of study, I will be practicing between client appointments, waiting for the kettle to boil, in the car etc. This kind of repetitive practice is important particularly in the period that immediately follows the learning because not only does it help wire it in, but it creates better recall too. You’re effectively showing your mind that the subject is important enough for you to think about constantly so you need quicker access to the information. An advantage to practicing throughout the day is that I will be maintaining constant exposure.

As well as the where and when, you need to plan for the people in your life who are going to be drip-feeding negativity into your efforts. There’s a difference between constructive criticism and habitual putter-downers. You can learn from the former but the latter sap your energy. What can you do to limit this type of influence?

S = Self-achievable : i.e. Can I do this by myself? Making the goal completely within your influence gives you a greater opportunity for achievement.

I can achieve my goal through learning from books and other self-study resources. I am willing to get a tutor if I think I’d like one and having done a quick search, there are a couple listed in my area.

If your goal isn’t completely within your influence, is there a way you can change it slightly so that when you think about, it seems more self-achievable? For example, if your goal is to “get a job interview”, you are relying on someone actually offering you an interview. If your goal is “make myself worthy of being interviewed”, does this seem a more self-achievable route to the same outcome? If not, then adapt the goal until it does become more self-achievable and has a good feel.

A = Advantages & Disadvantages : i.e. What’s great about achieving this goal and what negative aspects are there?

It’s a good idea to think of the disadvantages now so you can address or eliminate them. You might even find that there is a disadvantage strong enough to make you not want this goal right now.

The numerous advantages to achieving my goal include the mystery of a new, exotic language, being able to speak to UAE nationals in their own language (even if it’s at beginner level) and of course, the fact that the actual process of learning a new language increases the physical density of neurons in the brain. I do believe that learning new things is the mental equivalent of oxygen.

Disadvantages include having to spend time learning, the expense of tuition resources, the effort of finding online video resources. Also, the “double learning” regarding the MSA and conversational versions of the language. However, none of these disadvantages are significant enough to cause any level of doubt or put me off my goal.

W = Worthwhile : i.e. How does this goal fit in and support my deepest desires and values?

I love to learn, I see myself as capable of learning and I find the whole idea of learning Arabic fulfilling on many levels, so no problems there.

However, in the game of Rock, Scissors, Paper, your goal will lose out to your conflicting values. If there is a conflict between your goal and something you believe or aspire to, then the goal is starting off on shaky ground and it won’t take much to drop it… or rather, it will take a lot more effort to achieve it.

The only possible conflict I’ve identified around this goal is time. I think I have sorted out this conflict because the personal fulfillment that comes from checking emails and analysing web traffic is not as important to me as the type that comes from learning a new language. However, because I know I have the ability to squander time, I will be keeping an eye on it to make sure that whatever motivates me to squander it does not creep in again. If it does, I’ll post about it and will demonstrate a combination of EFT and NLP techniques to combat it. So far, I’ve just used the data from my time analysis exercise and a conscious effort to apply more discipline. It’s vital to keep an eye on this potential goal-wrecker because if it creeps in while I’m not looking, it does have the potential to throw me off my goal and make me lose the motivation to get back on.

If you do this exercise, identify any clashes between your goal and your values and address them. For example if you want to lose weight but deep down you believe that thin people are miserable, then you’ll inadvertently be less committed to losing weight.

If you go through these steps, you’ll find it makes you think in immense detail - You’re now clearer about what you want and you want it badly. Having worked through the kinks, the goal has become significantly more achievable, juicy and attractive!

My tutorial books have now arrived and I’m excited to move on from the mental preparation and get on with doing the task using methods to try and accelerate my learning. More about that next time… Remember to subscribe by RSS or email if you’d like to receive updates.

As always, I invite you to share your experiences, thoughts and tips.

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Language Challenge Part 3 – Curiosity and its Role in Learning

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7 Ways Role Models Influence Your Success

Reeta Luthra — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 23:01:38 +0000

This post has been moved to Reeta Luthra’s site about Stress and Your Health. You can find the post here.

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Love is as Indifference Does

Reeta Luthra — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 20:27:45 +0000

Indifference is a choice that you may not know you’ve made.

You can be indifferent towards a person, place or thing. You can even be indifferent towards yourself.

It’s not always a problem. Teenagers are famous for it as they go through their own adjustments towards their adult identity. On the odd occasion, feigning indifference is used as a way to “save face” and other times it’s a way of temporarily parking a situation to collect your energy.

But it can offer a false sense of well-being and limit your options. People who come to me for Peak Performance therapy & coaching state that they’ve used indifference too long as a way of distracting and masking themselves from important but difficult realisations. Here are their top 5 reasons for expressing indifference.

It takes too much energy to care
There is too much pain in the situation which is impossible to handle without self-destruction
Demands clash with their own goals, generating feelings of helplessness and low self-worth
To cover up embarrassment and shame
To avoid taking personal responsibility or ownership of something

“I was indifferent. Thought it wasn’t my problem and it got easy to stop thinking how to make it work. Only now she’s gone do I see how I drove her away and what I could have done. ” – A Client

It is said that the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. To what extent do you agree with this?

Are you expressing indifference as a way to avoid something? If so, what can you do today to help yourself find a better way?

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When an NLP Technique is Not Enough

Reeta Luthra — Sun, 04 Jan 2009 14:20:51 +0000

Some years ago, I had just started a new job when I purchased one of my first books on NLP. I used it to go through a thought exercise to improve my performance in this new job. The exercise was a bit of an anti-climax, I felt no different and I soon forgot about it.

Well, a few months into the job, everything was going fine. I had received a promotion already, got on well with my colleagues and I was very happy, enjoying going in every morning and positively sparkling with energy.

Then, the manager had some very good news for us. We were finally going to be moving out of the dilapidated old building and into a purpose-built office in another part of the complex. Woohoo!

We moved and… I began to miss the old office. The desks here were too close together. Any key could open any filing cabinet. The lighting was poor, the air-conditioning too cold, the chocolate machine often out of order… you get the picture.

On top of this, I grew disgruntled and unhappy in my role and decided to leave.

Shortly thereafter, I remembered that thought exercise and it all made sense. It had worked after all.

I had subconsciously “programmed” myself to be in peak performance mode when I entered the office – the old office!

Now, the old office was dire. Clutter everywhere. Paint peeling off the walls, one central light fitting in the middle of the room, desks so old, some were propped up on books. And woe betide the person who set a coffee cup down on that extra wobbly surface next to the printer. Yet, somehow none of this had mattered and I had performed magnificently.

I was a bit shook up when I made this connection. Did it mean that I was a poor performer unless I had an NLP technique to back me up?

The good news is absolutely not! The potential for Peak Performance resides within us already. But environmental factors can affect it. After some self-analysis, the environmental factor that affects me is lighting. If there is good natural light, nothing else matters.

image: http://www.sxc.hu/profile/hisks

What I had done with that NLP thought exercise was put that need for good lighting on hold as soon as I entered the office. The green door of the office was the trigger that told my subconscience “okay, forget the lighting, do some work”.

The new office didn’t have that same green door so there was no trigger to help me bypass the need for the good lighting. So I was hit by this missing essential and because I strongly value it, it cast a shadow over everything else.

Now an NLP Master with almost 5 years of NLP behind me, I can see I made a classic newbie error back then.

I applied a technique without understanding what the real issue was. The real issue lay in my sense of priorities. I valued the sense of peace and well-being that comes with good natural light over and above the sense of personal satisfaction that comes with performing at my best.

Now there is nothing wrong with this. Peace and well-being are noble values. However, in an office where I am unable to change the environment, these values, in this order of importance, become inappropriate.

In this situation, there was no damage done. I found a better job where I was very happy.

However, applying a “quick-fix” can be blinding. Remember, I remembered my NLP thought exercise and was able to isolate and identify my triggers. If I hadn’t been able to do this, I would have completely missed the relationship between natural light and my outlook at work. So this blindness would have left me free to have the same pattern occur again and again and again.

NLP is a natural process

Just as we hypnotise ourselves naturally throughout the day, we NLP ourselves throughout the day too. When we step into the other person’s shoes before responding we’ve unwittingly applied a version of the “Different Perspectives” NLP technique.

When we say “I don’t know what I ever saw in him/her”, we’ve unwittingly applied the techniques of “Disassociation” and “Reframing”.

I had a message from someone who mentioned he had overcome his commitment issues by “cooling things” with his current girlfriend. Subconsciously, he pictures his relationship and feels an inexplicable constriction. So naturally, he wants to move away from this pain. He feels happier now but I don’t know how his girlfriend feels about the “cooled” relationship.

As powerful as the techniques are, it’s unlikely that one NLP technique will solve his commitment issues. The key lies in resolving his inexplicable constriction. A technique could relieve this, but it will be temporary relief if the root of his issue lies in a part of his psyche that he is unwilling or not ready to explore yet.

Self-awareness is brutal as it brings us in touch with aspects of ourselves that we’d rather not admit to, even to ourselves.

However, papering over the cracks and blinkering our vision does not do us justice.

We’re all better than that.

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A Goal by Any Other Name

Reeta Luthra — Tue, 16 Sep 2008 11:07:57 +0000

The first time that the word “goals” entered my everyday vocabulary, I was in my first job after Uni. It was a word used liberally amongst managers and at meetings and soon it became associated with work.

So later, when I thought about my personal goals, I had a lot of trouble because “goals” to me, was all about work and at that time, work seemed to be all about rules and I surely didn’t want my personal life to be about rules!

But I knew having goals and a direction is important so I tried hard to get over my aversion to goals. I tried many things, and particularly enjoyed making and keeping lists. However, my lists would mysteriously disappear and there I’d be, goal-less and free of rules again. And unfocused too because I was drifting with no real direction of where to go next – direction requires planning and planning requires goals!

Then Bill Gates launced Windows 95 and a genius working with him came up with the slogan ”Where do you want to go today?”. This slogan captured my imagination and all of a sudden I was thinking in terms of what I wanted to do and how I could do it. I was finally free of the procrastination-inducing, nightmare clutch of that awful Goal word!

I could see and feel that the future is filled with stepping stones of the things we want to do and these stepping stones are connected with flexible bridges called Where-do-you-want-to-go-today.

Each stepping stone and each bridge has its own particular make-up; some are sturdy like rocks and others are wispy rope structures much like something out of Indiana Jones – and boy, don’t these ones give a heart-racing ride!

While the word “Goal” doesn’t carry the same negataive associations for me anymore, it’s that Windows slogan that actually makes me feel free and fires me up to set up my stepping stones and bridges.

The universe of the mind is a little bit exciting with dimensions we can’t put words to yet. Perhaps that’s a good thing as there is a power behind words and a power behind labels – what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for another.

If you are struggling with a word or a label, give this a go – try on a different word and see what changes.

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