Can NLP Hurt Your Relationships?
As a part of my continuing professional development, I attend a number of courses every year in the field of personal development. After some of the “deeper” courses that incorporate lots of exercises, I notice that one or two people inevitably end a long-term relationship soon afterwards.
NLP encourages questions and gives you the ability to understand and influence the deepest recesses of your mind. It’s an ability that is as delicate as it is empowering. Delicate because NLP requires constant, conscious awareness. At least initially.
Consider these two NLP Principles:
- Principle One: The meaning of your communication is the response you get.
- Principle Two: People make the best choice they can at the time.
Now consider the following conversation and how these principles were overlooked in the heat of the moment.
Tina: Darling, I’m going to nip over to the pub tonight with my friend Jenny.
James: That’s a bit short notice Sweetheart. You’re the one who says we don’t spend enough time together.
Tina: But you’ll be watching football with Dave and Steve – just thinking about it is making my stomach turn. What do you expect me to do… sit in the other room all night on my own?!
James: Tell Jenny to come round instead. Steve fancies her and it’ll make his night.
Tina: Jenny thinks Steve is creepy. I want to go to the pub.
James: What’s creepy about my friends? Suppose she thinks I’m creepy too. You should ditch her.
Tina: Grrr!
James: Grrr!
Learning NLP is like playing tennis for the first time. You’re going to miss a lot of balls before you develop a steady rhythm. The NLP version of the conversation might go something like:
NLP Tina: Darling, I’m going to nip over to the pub tonight with my friend Jenny.
James: That’s a bit short notice Sweetheart. You’re the one who says we don’t spend enough time together.
NLP Tina: I know… But you’ll be watching football with Dave and Steve so I thought I’d give you space to do whatever you guys do during a luuurvely game of footie… (fake exaggerated yawn, smile and a squeeze)… Do you have everything you’ll need?
James: Errr… Yes… Can’t you tell Jenny to come round instead. Steve fancies her and it’ll make his night.
NLP Tina: I’m not sure Jenny returns those feelings but I’ll ask her if she fancies coming over afterwards. We could pick up a DVD on the way home. Tell you what, I’ll text you if she says yes.
James: Sounds good.
Reading this, some people would think it’s good communication. Others would call it manipulation. What do you think – and why?
Exposure to NLP
On a Course – A course transfers skills and knowledge to you for you to practice and apply later. When wounds are opened during the course and left unresolved, it becomes easy to develop a sensitivity to how others are treating you and strike out without thinking.
With personal coaching/therapy – Individual sessions provide the time and focus you need in order to heal the wound, but even this is not without its own pitfalls. Attending sessions regularly and doing the work inbetween is time consuming and the costs can add up – so you only cover “the important things”. Personal sessions are also emotionally demanding and relationship niggles can become magnified.
Whether your experience of NLP and other personal development skills is through a course or individual sessions, here are a few things to keep in mind when your sweetheart isn’t looking so sweet.
“It’s My Life”
NLP for Personal Development teaches us that it’s okay to consider our own needs. It’s quite a nice lesson to learn in a world where we are encouraged to be all things to everyone else.
But in the heady delight of “being honest”, “envisioning our future” and “strategising our dreams”, we can become so orientated towards the new, that we overlook the gems in what we already have. Other things, perhaps even other people, start looking more attractive.
The other side of the coin is that we are considerably shaken by what we have discovered about ourselves and our opportunities. We become emotionally unable to provide reassurance or maintain any semblence of a relationship while we are busy trying to make sense of this new way of thinking.
In both situations, the temptation to put the relationship aside while we focus on ourselves is hard to resist and for some people, it’s the only option they feel they have.
Personally, I’d resist making any big decisions during this time but your partner does need to know what you are going through. If you only ever seek relationship help once in your life, this would be the time to do it. Preferably both of you – together as well as individually.
It’s your Personal Development, not theirs
If you spend time in a remote or deprived part of the world, you’ll return home being able to have a good bath using just one jug of water. Just because you can do this, don’t expect your loved one can suddenly do it too – or that she even wants to.
Personal Development programmes, including NLP and EFT amongst others, will open up new ways of thinking and behaving and you’ll be so tempted to “improve” your partner too. Don’t do it! Your course/session has been paced to bring you to where you are now. Your partner hasn’t had that experience and besides, she might be ultra-sensitive to what your change means for her. Top bug-bears for non-NLP people are:
- “Techniquing” your partner – If she’s upset, don’t immediately SWISH her or ask her to “Tap and accept herself”. Listen to her and appreciate the opportunity to practice the new listening, pacing and reframing skills you have learnt.
- Evangelising about how great NLP is – She really doesn’t care. Talk normally about it with a similar level of enthusiasm as you would for any other obsession… err.. I mean interest… and she may want to know more.
Pressing Buttons
NLP makes you aware of your own buttons, good and bad. You won’t have time on a course to address them properly and even with one-to-one coaching, you’ll only address the ones that reveal themselves in the context of your issue.
Back in the real world, you’ll be tuned into yourself to a higher degree than you were before. When things niggle you, perhaps you’ll interpret them as a sign that the relationship is wrong. But the chances are that a button has been pushed. Personal Development is not limited to training courses or coaching sessions, it goes on every single day and identifying what you have just reacted to is all part of the process.
- “If I go out, he’ll sulk for days” – You’ve both had buttons pushed. As an NLPer you can easily probe your deeper mind to find the root of your button. But he can’t because he hates “navel-gazing”. Plus it’s emotionally and mentally draining. Communication is the bedrock of any relationship and once you’ve taken the emotional charge out of your own “It’s not fair that I can’t go out” emotions, you’re better placed to talk to him. Avoiding obvious NLP terminology (it’s grating to hear it), think about what have you learnt through your course or individual coaching sessions that you could apply to have him understand and accept your right to go out.
NLP is cold and emotionless
People commonly complain that NLP is cold and emotionless because it puts a structure to something as random and ethereal as emotions. The structure provides footholds during personal coaching and self-analysis. However, using clinical words and phrases to non-NLP friends and family is just asking for trouble. Friends and family want to talk about their issues – not have someone whip out a pencil and jot down their submodalities etc.
This is frustrating for an NLPer who knows that the “problem” could be over quickly if the person would just listen to this NLP pearl of wisdom. But they get “Are you NLPing me?”, “Stop NLPing me”, “I’m not doing a technique, it’s artificial. Our relationship should be natural, warts and all.”
People want to be understood. People like others taking an interest in them. If you can be genuine about this, then the NLP principles “Every behaviour has a positive intention” and “People respond to their experience, not reality itself” take precedence naturally – giving rise to a rapport, pacing and leading that mitigates against any coldness.
Separation
Sometimes it is time for people to go their separate ways. Divorce and separation are amongst the most damaging and stressful experiences we can have. NLP can certainly play its part in managing the stress during the various stages of grief.
In a separation, one person often “wants” it more than the other. When you’re the NLPer initiating a break-up, you are aware of the resources within you that will allow you to do it with integrity and respect. While your partner may not ever approve of or agree with the decision (and it’s not your job to babysit her through it), be respectful, take ownership of your decision and accept responsibility for the questions you may be asked to answer. After all, this person played an important part in your life, and to some degree influences the person you are today.
And of course, bear in mind that if there are children involved, your partner will forever be a part of your life and a part of the life of your next partner. A bitter separation will to some degree impact the quality of your next relationship.
It could also impact your children’s identity, possibly reaching far into the future. When I was at school, a friend in my class was used as a tool in a manipulative battle between her divorced parents. She went from being “normal” to a snappy, snarling bully within the space of the 6 week summer holiday.
Has NLP affected your relationships – positively or negatively? Did you go through a transition period and what tips would you share with others?
Photo credit: BillyRuth3
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Filed under: NLP • Personal Development
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Very thoughtfull post on personal coaching. It should be very much helpfull
Thanks,
Karim – Creating Power
Hi Karim – just discovered you are speaking on the series of teleseminars at http://www.healingwiththemasters.com/ commencing 29 Sep 09. The line-up looks great and I’m looking forward to listening in.
Well my wife has been to NLP and has been completely enthused by this. In fact I encouraged her to go! – BUt she has returned questioning all the values of our famiily, sees only the things that have caused her pain!!! furthermore is obsessed with the trainer now as she sees him as a guru /life saviour. So it has been a negative experience!!! from that perspective. but on the positive side she now completely focused on her carreer and does not pay much attention to the kids and family time! she even questions our love! she originally mentioned on the NLP course that having 5 kids were her aim – but she did some thinking and realised she wont have them with me! (she hada a miscarriage after the 2nd child. Am I angry yes, do – how do I cope with it?
Hi Billy – I can only offer general suggestions here and I hope that these pointers help:
1) Top priority is to look after your mental health. This is vital because keeping your mind strong helps you to deal well with whatever happens.
Stress and pressure can lead to health problems so diffuse this as much as you can – preferably by seeing a coach/therapist because the swirl of emotions might not let you get sufficiently detached on your own.
2) I’ve seen what you describe before – i.e. someone comes off an NLP course and turns on their unsuspecting family.
What she is saying may be what she truly wants OR it might be that she’s just getting her head around the internal power that she’s just discovered. It is a heady thing to get used to especially when someone has been harbouring subconscious resentment, frustration or when they feel the situation of their life hasn’t let them be themselves.
Acknowledge the anger and all your other feelings. Don’t deny or suppress them. They contain opportunities for self growth and personal development. This is why I recommend you get help – a therapist will be able to help make use of these opportunities. (You don’t want to dwell on it – you want to learn from it)
Don’t make any rash or long-terms decisions in anger.
However as you have children, you’ll need to both work out some routine/acceptable behaviours that you can commit to while you decide what you do long-term.
I hope this helps Billy.