Sometimes, ultimatums are an essential tool to get you travelling on your road to success again. But other times, they’re an unfortunate stress by-product that you didn’t really mean.

Before you emphatically issue that righteous ultimatum, perhaps it would be worth double-checking your reasons behind it.

The Checklist

1. Are you pulling a double bluff to provoke a particular response? If so, consider where you’ll be if they don’t bite.

2. Are you running away from dealing with a particular issue? [also see 3]  Big one this as some situations present bigger learning opportunities than others. If there’s a pattern of this issue in your life, you may as well face it head on and break the cycle.

3. Running away/Ignoring/avoiding someone or something and turning the other cheek are entirely different beasts. Don’t y’all be confusing them now.

4. Are you angry? Might be best to take some time out and review the situation later.

5. Are you seduced by the short-term pleasure of revenge you’ll get? Once you’ve had that satisfaction, your ultimatum will still be there. Will you be able to manage that huge slice of humble pie in front of you?

6. Are you secretly in denial of the grain of truth in someone’s words or actions? Embarrased even? No need to punish the messenger…

7. Have you thought about what it’s going to take to reverse the ultimatum? If you have, you’re not sure enough to be issuing it just yet.

8. Are you unsure of how to express your needs in any other way? There’s often a high degree of pain, anger or desperation (sometimes all three) behind that ultimatum moment. These can prevent you from seeing the range of alternative options, actions and opportunites open to you.

9. Do you want to control somebody else because you know what’s best for them? Would you be happy if someone controlled you?

10. Is this ultimatum just another in a line of regular, empty ultimatums? To be effective, ultimatums need to be issued with discretion. Save them for the important things.

Anger can serve a purpose when it motivates you to find a solution to solve a problem. 

But people often feel that they have no control over their anger and that it is just a part of their personality.

Anger is an expression of inner conflict and when someone becomes used to allowing this conflict to be expressed in a certain way, this is what gives the illusion of anger being an intrinsic part of personal identity. Allowing anger to bubble and fester limits your options.   

1)  The Barker
He’s known for barking orders at subordinates, waiters and shop assistants. For added power, he may use public sarcasm to humiliate. Fear of losing their job makes his unfortunate targets putty in his hands. 

The Limitation: Short-term service but long-term disloyalty and behind the scenes ridicule.

2)  The Blamer
He points a finger at everyone else for everything wrong in his life. A pro at playing the victim and waiting for others to come crawling for forgiveness. Judge, Jury & Executioner, he plays on the inherent desire of people to do right by others. 

The Limitation: Continually waiting for others to provide the solution fuels the belief that life is hard and everyone is a fool. It causes a blindness to recognise help and an inability to assume any personal responsibility.

3)  The Slow Burn
He has submitted to his fate. The level of his anger is so intense that it has all but destroyed his ability to feel it. He doesn’t have an opinion or preference and goes along with what everyone else suggests.  It puts him in the background where he doesn’t have to share too much of himself and can be left to his own devices. 

The Limitation: This anger explodes with absolutely no warning. The explosion can be felt for miles.

4)  The Forest Fire
Generally sociable and engaging, he shields himself from everyday stress, perhaps by using food, alcohol or drugs to provide a distance. Without this coping mechanism, he flares up in short but powerful bursts of disproportionate rage. 

The Limitation: Feelings of helplessness over the future create internal panic. Unable to manage stress, there may be a problem in maintaining lasting relationships.

5)  The Force
He knows exactly what he wants and will do what he can to get it. Sometimes there is actual or implied violence in his methods. He exudes authority and power and uses fear and force to manipulate and control others. 

The Limitation: Complete self-absorption results in an inability to accept the validity of others and the fluid nature of reality.

Can you think of other ways anger shows itself? Add them below.

For help with stress and anger management, please contact Reeta Luthra: http://www.paradoxofreality.com

 Life is something to be lived in, not something to be lived through.  

Taking control over a certain problem area in life can be quite tough. Obstacles appear bigger and hope dissipates as we make undue associations. Understanding that we are separate from this problem that haunts us helps our sense of deserving the solution. This helps our determination to do what it takes to gain control. 

To illustrate this, Oprah Winfrey comes to mind.

Born in poverty, Oprah was sexually abused from the age of 9 into her teens. She was a runaway, experimented with drugs and lost a baby at the age of 14. You can read more about Oprah Winfrey here.

Despite being a victim of an overtly dysfunctional start to life, she seems to have grown up with three keys that she would later take full advantage of.

Key 1: A loving grandmother who looked after her until the age of 6, teaching her to read, recite and speak in public.

Key 2: A loving but very strict father with high standards who sought to break through her rebellious behaviour and prioritised her education.

Key 3: An ability to recognise and use keys 1 and 2 to unlock doors to overcome the dysfunction that caused her so much misery.

Keys 1 and 2 contain so much more than just the physical process of education. They contain role models. Attitudes and beliefs to learn from and grow with. Oprah has said how her father and grandmother inspired her confidence to achieve more from life.

The first black female news anchor in America, she has become one of the richest and most influential women of the present day. Economists have estimated that Oprah’s endorsement of Barack Obama was worth over a million votes.

It is however Key 3 that unlocked the door through which the other two keys could be accessed. We all have this key, although the ease of using it can depend on the level of anger or resentment or fear that coats it like a layer of rust.

Often, blaming other people, circumstance or even ourselves for stopping us doing something blinds us to our own potential as it leaves us waiting helplessly for outside forces to change.

Wayne Dyer met Oprah to congratulate her after a particular success. She listened to him list out her achievements and when he asked to whom she attributed her success, she took a moment to think back on her rocky path, looked at him with eyes glittering with joy and quietly said “I did this”.

“I did this”.  Powerful words indeed.    

For help with finding your key, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. http://www.paradoxofreality.com